Since this is primarily a yoga journal, I'll start by mentioning that I had a really excellent practice yesterday, especially keen concentration during pranayama, and that yesterday's session followed up an equally auspicious practice on the 28th.
This morning's session was not quite as good. Breathing was interrupted by frequent coughing and one full-on emphysema attack complete with sneezing before I actually started. But I got through it with only slightly compromised attention to the attention.
Nicotine might have had something to do with it. The 15-milligram patches weren't doing it for me, so I got up this morning and slapped on a 21, and within a few minutes was staggering around like somebody who'd just inhaled a Marlboro Red 100. I was a little lightheaded for a while -- hands and feet got cold -- the works. As I'm writing this three hours later my heartbeat is still rapid and breathing rate elevated.
It's really a powerful drug.
I've finally begun developing some lingering resentments against Rose. For the longest time I was still so madly in love that she remained atop her little pedestal, my saint and angel, despite what she'd done. But now I can see that part of Rose's self-esteem is dependent on her thinking of herself as Venus -- the woman all men find irresistible all the time.
A year ago early January, before I bought the manufactured house, she was over at the tin shack for dinner, and as she was leaving wanted a hug, which evolved into heavy mashing. My emotions got the better of me, and I ended up pleading with her to take me back. She was having none of that, of course, but she'd gotten her payoff. Two weeks ago when I was in and out of Desert Hot Springs in fewer than 24 (because I couldn't stand being there) she insisted I stop by and see her, even though I didn't want to.
She'll get no more fuel for the eternal flame on her little ego altar from me.
I've been reading Desikachar, and I like him better than anyone I've read on the subject so far. He's a gentle and open-hearted soul -- it shows in his writing.
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