Parsimonious Illegitimates

Howard Stern usually has ants in his pants, but this week he has a bee in his bonnet. He's vexed at those among his faithful listeners who weren't faithful enough to make the switch to satellite radio when he did, and correctly surmises that their fickleness might have something to do with satellite's monthly subscription fee.

"It's insulting to me that everyone hasn't come with me. I take it personally," the jilted Stern whines with a whine, adding "I want to say to my audience...You haven't come with me yet? How dare you? We're up to wild, crazy stuff, the show has never sounded better. You cheap bastard(s)!"

It's a sign of the times, Howard, and a sign of the Times (New York and L.A.) as well. Editors at the country's most prestigious newspapers have been moaning and groaning for some time about falling circulation, and a couple of pundits have even suggested that print news organs are the dinosaurs of the cyber age, and that we're witnessing the first stages of the final die-off.

Yet if you walk into any urban coffee shop on any weekday morning, half the people there have their noses buried in the paper. And newspapers are still very profitable according to the latest reports from people who keep track of such things. In fact, compared to other industries, publishing is a better investment bet than most.

So why the gloom and doom? And what did Howard Stern think was going to happen when he transferred the dubious blessing of his illustrious presence to a pay service?

Enter the San Francisco Examiner, sneeringly referred to by some as the ex-newspaper. But even snobs and doubters will figure out eventually that it's the newspaper of the future.

The Ex is a tabloid for starters, and I'm surprised that everyone hasn't gone to that smaller, easier-to-manipulate size. It has no front page stories per se, just big headlines, photos, and teasers for the stuff inside. The staff is small, there are no regular daily columnists or "stars," it's heavy on wire-service copy, it publishes six days a week, omitting the Sunday log, and most importantly, it's free. All its revenue comes from advertising.

Free radio, of course, has been around forever, and the fact that it's full of obnoxious ads doesn't seem to deter listeners from preferring it to pay services.

News and commentary are everywhere nowadays, on T.V., on the net, on radio, and this constant barrage of information, yakking, and analysis is not only ubiquitous but mostly free. Howard Stern and the editors of our most prestigious papers need to go back to square one and learn the most fundamental lesson of all: people don't pay -- not even a pittance -- for something they can get for free.

Howard Stern will survive, but with a diminished, more hard-core listenership. The New York and LA Times (Timeses?) will survive too, but in a few years they'll look more like the SF Ex and probably be giveaways.

See, I'm a cheap bastard too. And yes, the Chron is a better paper than the Ex in a number of ways, but I don't want to buy it. I can read it on line if I need to, or pick up a used (free) copy when I'm having my wake-up jolt at the Cole Valley Cafe.