As I look back over my life from the beginning of old age, I see recurring behavior patterns that have limited or at times blocked my growth as a fully-evolved human being, and some of these I'm just now starting to deal with effectively. I've grown and matured rapidly in the last couple of years, partly under the benign influence of yoga and the positive outlook yoga encourages, partly out of necessity and because survival requires it, and partly as the result of the natural evolution of a normal, aging human soul.
Blocking personal cohesion and concentration of the mind, and causing its opposite ("inner obstacles that disperse the mind" according to Bouanchaud's translation), Patanjali lists nine roadblocks. Of these, my history has probably been most severely affected by vyadhi or sickness, most often caused by avirati, which Bouanchaud translates as "intemperance." That word refers among other things to the kinds of substance abuse which pretty much crippled any opportunity I might have had to grow and mature for many years. Alcohol abuse was the main negative actor in my life from the time I was in my late teens, and with increasing severity from about age 30 until age 49 (when I quit for good). The associated illnesses included mental and spriritual immaturity and most of the other personality disorders Patanjali lists, as well as acute inflammatory bowel disease (ulcerative colitis) aggravated by alcohol.
After I quit drinking I was able to mature somewhat, and would estimate I finally shed my adolescent self-absorption and became a full-fledged adult at about age 50. I began to excel in my job of teaching high school English, becoming much more self-controlled and able to deal more effectively with my students. For example, if a kid went out of his way to give me a hard time, I no longer took it personally, like some insecure semi-adult. I went to A.A. meetings, admitted my shortcomings, and faced the music. It was all good.
However, I was still physically and mentally sick because of drug addiction -- cigarettes (nicotine) to be exact. Also, I never exercised and ate a poor diet, especially heavy on refined white flour. I was still quite sick, often couldn't sleep well, felt lethargic and tired all the time, and at times didn't know by Tuesday where I would find the energy to finish the week. And this combination of conditions led to depression sometimes.
I don't blame myself entirely for acquiring all these destructive habits, often referred to as "lifestyle choices." Looking back at the way things used to be, I think some of these behaviors were at the very least culturally encouraged, although I would never go so far as to "blame society" for my becoming a drunk or a cigarette addict. Neither am I ashamed of my past, and there's very little that I wish I had done differently. For as I was taught in A.A., there is no reason to "regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it,"* and past suffering helps put our present, changed conditions into perspective.
The symptoms of suffering remaining in my life are also disease-related, but I don't know whether to regard them as obstacles to growth or motivational tools. Emphysema is simply the permanent legacy of cigarette addiction, and even though it manifests as physical limitations, I can't exactly say I suffer from it. It causes no discomfort except when I climb a mountain (which I did at my sister's urging not too long ago), and my breathing is so much stronger and less troubled than it has been for the past 50 years that I feel nothing but gratitude for still being able to breathe decently, even with limitations. Parkinson's Disease was probably caused by environmental factors in combination with smoking, but dealing with it has become a spur to action, and a challenge to maintain the new-found joy of living without surrendering to depression or the self-pity that sometimes accompanies such a condition.
Yoga, especially since I started a daily practice including pranayama a little over a year ago, and doubly especially since I started yoga teacher training, along with other seismic events in my mature life, has caused me to experience rapid physical, mental, and personality changes. I have no idea where this is going. The changes occur so quickly from one week to the next that I don't have time to evaluate where I am before finding myself somewhere else. Out of necessity, this process is about the journey, not the destination, because I have no sense of where that destination might be, or what it might consist of, and no expectations, excepting I don't expect things to go back to the way they were before.
*(The Big Book of) Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Ed.; New York, 1976, p. 83.
Photo by Chris Warmedahl; click on image for a larger view.
No comments:
Post a Comment