Rachel for Governor

My daughter Rachel, the famous belly dancer, has been nominated for governor by some of her fans.

After seriously contemplating the difficulties that attend a political career and the gravity of being honored in this way (for about five minutes), she and I decided she should go for it.

Herewith, Rachel Brice's platform and list of vague and frivolous promises. She is now the founder of a new party -- the Abdominal Snowpersons.

1. When elected Governor, I will see to it that California secedes from the United States and becomes an independent country. Except for Orange County. The United States deserves Orange County.

Then of course I won't be the Governor, I'll be the Maharini.

2. California will issue its own currency. The unit of value will be the Zaghareet, divided into herns, splebes, and taxims.

3. Detroit and Yokohama will have to start building electric cars and trucks for the California market, because the internal combustion engine will be outlawed.

4. The state motto will be changed from "Eureka" to "You can't have too much jewelry."

5. California's schools will be reformed. Hot dog Monday will be replaced by Falafel Friday. No more of those nasty fish sticks. Physical ed will consist of yoga; football teams will be replaced by Scrabble teams.

6. The California mascot will be the golden ferret rather than the golden bear.

7. I'll move the executive mansion from Sacramento to San Francisco's Haight-Ashbury district, and have my inauguration on Treasure Island. The Indigo will dance. It will be the first ever navel engagement in San Francisco Bay. Everyone's invited.

8. Gay marriage will be outlawed. Heterosexual marriage will also be outlawed, because we don't intend to discriminate against straight people.

9. I will create a Department of Caring, Sharing, and Relating.

10. Everybody has to have fun.