Regrets

Regrets, I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention...
--Paul Anka
"I Did It My Way"

Mainlining nicotine (i.e., smoking cigarettes) is wonderful and terrible. The chronic depression suddenly lifts (and yes, I'm a chronic depressive -- I understand that now). The painful and dangerous attacks of colitis return.

So I quit again today, if I can through the snow and ice get to Target in Silverdale for patches. I'm condemned to the patch for the rest of my days. It's not as good as mainlining, but it gives me enough to get by. And here's another thing: since I started mainlining, I stopped shaking.

And I do have regrets. I should never have ruined D.'s life the way I did. She knew, even before we were committed, that when she played with me she was playing with destruction. She tried to break it off several times, but we were already in too deep.

And now my life is ruined too. "I'll never smile again..."

There are compensations. There's yoga and Rachel, fruit and eggs, optimal health and insight.

D. took my mom's death harder than I did, as if Dorothy were a fourth parent.