Thursday, August 25, 2005

Clicka Clicka Clicka

Here's how to forget about the high cost of gasoline.

First, park your car in a safe place and throw the keys away. Then have somebody drive you to the airport. Get on a plane bound for San Francisco, and after you've landed retrieve your luggage. Make it a small bag, if possible.

Go upstairs and get on the computer-driven train, the red one or the blue one -- it doesn't matter. The day I was on it a young man stood too close to the automatic doors. "You are preventing the departure of this train," the computer huffed at him indignantly. It was the first time I ever heard a computer sound indignant.

This train is a monorail, and the best place to stand is right in front, so you can pretend you're flying over the track. Get off at the BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) station, where you'll catch the train into town.

The BART system is obsessed with fives. You put a five dollar bill into an automatic ticket dispenser and get a nickel back. Put your ticket in the automated turnstile and go through, but be sure you take your ticket when the machine gives it back to you, otherwise you won't be able to get out at the other end. BART is like the Cockroach Motel if you don't keep your ticket (Commuters go in...but they don't come out).

Get on the train and ride into town. You'll know you're in San Francisco proper when you don't see any more Target stores, Burger Kings, muffler shops, or cubular houses. Is "cubular" a word?

Get off anywhere on Market Street, and go down one level. Catch the Municipal Railroad train to your favorite neighborhood. It costs a dollar and a quarter until September first, then it goes up to a buck and a half. Exact change only, please.

When you get to where you're going, buy a house, condominium, room, or closet space. It'll cost you half a million dollars minimum. Then learn the bus, streetcar, and train routes in and out of your neighborhood, and you'll never have to drive again.

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