Consumption Blues

I was driving across America
When my Caddy ran out of gas,
So I walked to the nearest town,
A burg called Rich's Pass;
But the only truck stop in town
Just had diesel at high prices,
And all the town's residents
Were busy pursuing their vices,
So I hoofed over to Wendy's
(It was run by a Texan named "Philly"),
When I told him I needed gas
He said, "Have you tried the chili?"

I decided to buy a bike to pedal
My ass across the home of the brave,
But when I went to Wal-Mart
All they were selling was Chinese slaves.
A sign said "Today's special –
Two love slaves for a hundred bucks."
But I was just trying to get out of town
And I'm way too old to have two love slaves,
So I walked out to the highway
And sadly stuck out my thumb;
I said good-bye to Rich's pass,
And was ready for whatever might come.

A tribe of aging hippies
In a rusty Volkswagen bus
Rescued me from Rich's Pass;
Their leader's name was Gus.
He said "My Vee-Dub runs on pot fumes,
And avocado skins,
And we live on brown rice and tea;
That's why we're all so thin.
But we're making a movie of "Home on the Range"
Where the dragons and unicorns play,
It's shot with eyes under western skies
In our own perverted way."

So I decided to join old Gus's tribe
And took off my tubercular shoes;
I said "So-long" to Rich's Pass
And those nasty old consumption blues.