Life's Breath

The air we take in as breath is the most fundamental form of nourishment, or prana as it is designated by the Hindoos. Then, in order of importance, comes water, then food.

Reflect for a moment on how important breathing is to each of us in terms of our total nourishment, and the true extent of the damage done by habitual, long-term smoking comes into true perspective. Crippling the organ that gathers and processes the prana, one of the great gifts of the universe, seems insane, but people nowadays do it all the time, driven to self-destruction by a merciless drug addiction.

When I attend to my breathing, I do so with an awareness of my limitations. A 50-year history of cigarette smoking is common enough among people my age, and those of us whose bodies are compromised by such a history need to approach the practices of yoga -- asana (movement) and pranayama (attention to the breath) -- differently than those who enjoy whole respiratory systems and normal fluctuations of the breath.

For those with COPD, the ability of the damaged lungs to exhale completely is compromised. This means in turn that inhalation is by necessity somewhat short. However, regular breathing practice in which one remains still and relaxed and attending to nothing else does calm both the nerves and the breath. Even people with emphysema will notice a gradual increase in the ability to comfortably slow and lengthen the inhale over time. However, a "normal" regulation of breath will never be possible for such a person.

I now practice breathing to a count of 14; three beats on the inhale, hold (retain) for three, and eight counts for exhaling while pressing the belly to the spine. This is certainly not a breath of classic proportions, but it's an adaptation that might help provide optimal results for those who have smoked habitually over a long period of time, or lived in Bakersfield, or both.

March Participation #1

Cara F.'s All-Levels class in the a.m. on Monday, 3/16/09.

My main objective this morning was to closely monitor the breath and match it appropriately to whatever movement the class was doing. This is important for everyone who practices Viniyoga (or most any kind of yoga), but doubly important for me because my breath is compromised. I don't have much, so I have to watch it.

There were two other guys in class this morning, so I didn't feel like an interloper.

We started as usual by bringing our full attention to the breath while seated, then stood up and began asanas with Tadasana, then a forward bend. My movements were fluid and easy after kind of a stiff first rep, and we had complete running instructions on matching inhale and exhale to the appropriate segments of each pose. Breath came easily. So far so good.

We transitioned into the "chair" pose called Utkatasana. This one requires some fairly serious muscular exertion, and I ran out of breath and started huffing after a couple of reps, stopped, and stood up to catch some wind. Cara moved to the back of the room and discreetly checked to make sure I was all right (which I was), and after a minute or so I was recovered.

I went through the rest of the practice without incident.

It was a thorough class, worked every part of the body, stayed focused on matching breath and movement throughout, and included a balance pose of a type important for people with Parkinson's disorder to practice regularly. I walked out of the studio breathing easily and deeply, caught sight of myself in a floor-to-ceiling window, and noticed that I was postured up, shoulders back, and walking with energy, springing along like some healthy young dude. So I would say "Yoga been good to me."

Through these classes that I observe and participate in, and the reading we do for teacher training, I find myself looking for techniques and resources that might be used one day to help develop an approach for people with COPD who are committed to reversing some of the damage they've done to themselves. Yoga practice is just one element in an overall rehab scheme optimally suited to the needs of such people. Other elements include dietary changes (usually), lots of rest, and avoiding the destructive habits or environmental conditions that cause this disease.

One excellent resource for the kind of asana practice I'm looking for is in Gary Kraftsow's sample routine outlined in "Yoga for Transformation," pages 70-88. Some of the postures in this practice involve staying in position during each repetition of the movement for one full breath cycle longer during each successive rep, encompassing four reps altogether. I find this works better for me than doing the specified movements once for each breath cycle. Another valuable resource is the adaptations of the asanas supplied by AG Mohan's "Yoga for Body, Breath, and Mind," many of them employing a chair and designed for people whose mobility or energy for movement is compromised.

Interruption

This morning my physical therapist gave me four new exercises to treat this shoulder injury that's been getting in the way for a couple months now. Added to the four I was already doing, plus the one for Parkinson's, that's between half an hour and 40 minutes for each session, twice a day.

So I've suspended regular asana practice for the duration. Instead I'll do the shoulder therapy religiously, and work in a short practice routine with a few key postures. Today it was a standing forward bend, the Dvipada Pitham bridges, Navasana (the boat), table top/child's, a lying-down spinal twist, and Apanasana. I got my share of spinal adjustments doing this, and followed up with a full Pranayama, so that should be an adequate survival ration.

Controlled breathing is really difficult, especially the intake. Air gets about halfway down and hits bottom -- no more room. Full exhale is long, and requires effort. Suspension isn't even a possibility.

Clearing the mind of noise and clutter is even harder. But it does happen sometimes. Seems to be dependent on my being able to relax the hips and thighs, then there's this thing looking at me from some distance, only the distance is inside my head. It's like a point of light, or maybe a cluster of points. I don't know what it is. Also, I'm apprehending it from one point on the inside, not stereoptically.

Sahana Vavatu on CD

I've discovered that I own a copy of our welcoming and dedication chant on a commercial compact disc I bought years ago at the old Gateways book store in Santa Cruz.

The CD is Chants of India, and features an ensemble of instrumentalists and singers put together and led by Ravi Shankar. The album was produced by the late George Harrison, former lead guitarist for the Beatles.

Unfortunately, it's out of print. Even though a few copies are available on Amazon, the prices are unrealistic. But maybe we can figure something out.

The chant lasts four and a half minutes. It's a beautiful treatment, with a long instrumental lead-in. The words are chanted three times by one male and one female vocalist.

Shankar is one of only three Indian musicians to have received the Bharat Ratna, India's highest and most prestigious civilian honor. The other two were the Tamil vocalist M.S. Subbulakshmi, who died in 2004, and the master of the shehnai (Indian Oboe) Ustad Bismillah Khan, who died in 2006.

Dave B

Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th. Yikes. Where's Jason? Gotta keep an eye on that boy.

I ate poison on the way home from class last night, but there were no ugly consequences. I can get away with that maybe once a week.

Class is working out better than well. I'm adopting the right attitude toward study. I go at it with a sense of awe. I sometimes get "outside." I respect my teacher.

The biggest problem I had last night during a long and intensely detailed practice was breathing. My inhale is shot, because the emphysema is quite bad. I think I may have given myself a small case of bronchitis too.

It feels like about the bottom two-thirds of my lungs is gone. It's because I can't empty out.

So I'm finding my assignment, and that's to help develop a Viniyoga practice for people with COPD. And that will begin, of course, with my developing a practice for me.

Born Loser

I'm a born loser, baby,
And they call me 'The Ace of Spades;'
I'm a born loser, baby,
And I lose more every day..."

--Version of the 'Roll and Tumble Blues'
Sung by legendary Chicago street singer,
The Ace of Spades

No home practice today. I found out we'll be moving tonight in class. Today's the day for the big trip across the water, and maybe tomorrow, too.

Practice yesterday yielded results. I went to bed very early last night and got a phone call after I'd already fallen into a deep sleep. As I was reaching for the phone from an awkward position, halfway on and halfway off the bed with one foot on the floor, my L5 lumbar spine re-adjusted with a loud pop like I've never heard before.

Felt sooooooo good.

Right. So now I have to give up coffee. It's begun to make my kidneys hurt.

Do I have to give up absolutely everything? I never wanted to be a Holy Man.

I won't even bother with telling myself I'll cut down. I know myself a lot better than that.

This means I'll have to go cold turkey, and just tough it out through the headaches, the ennui, and the depression that follow. At least it won't last all that long.

Is there any vice in God's big world I don't have to give up? Even a small one? If anyone knows, please leave a comment.

________________________________

New Routine

I've turned over so many new leaves and made so many fresh starts lately, taken so many vows of "never again" and "this time I really mean it," and seen all this resolve come to naught so many times that I'll spare anyone who might be reading this the drama.

I spoke with Rachel a little while ago concerning the realm of Ananda Maya, that sort of Xanadu of the spirit beyond the realm of the individual's personality, ego, and "I" consciousness. I told her I can't imagine such a place, even though I've been there. And we both feel my only hope lies in getting back there again. You can drive there from here, but you can't take your car. To put it another way, one can find that place, but "I" can't.

It was in this spirit that I scrapped my old asana routine today, as it was past due for revision, having served me well since last August, and decided to take a ready-made straight from the book as the new routine. This is kind of a standard set of Viniyoga poses in a typical Viniyoga sequence, taken from pages 70-88 of Gary Kraftsow's second book, "Yoga for Transformation.

The first section starts with standing poses, which are great for warming up and entail very little risk of injury.

1. Tadasana, or Mountain pose. Up on your toes, back on your heels (now you're doin' the Varsity Drag), moving the arms up and down all the while. As with all these standing postures, inhale to the up, exhale to the down. No problem.

2. Parsvottanasana, an asymmetrical forward bend with one foot at a time placed out front of the other, knee bent on the bendover. Four times each side, holding the down position for one additional breath each time. No problem here.

3. Trikonasana of the Utthita (conventional) kind. Had a lot of trouble with this due to the sore shoulder. Tomorrow I'll substitute Warrior I.

4. Uttanasana -- forward bend with Padahastasana added in the middle. That's a chest lift/back flattener from the far forward postion. Same "stay" instructions as number 2. As with all these standing poses, inhale up, exhale down.

That's the end of standing poses. A couple of supine postures are next after an interlude of:
5. Down Dog: exhaling up to the pose from table top position. A little confusing because the move up is an exhale; the move out, or down, is on the inhale.

6. Dvipada Pitham -- the good old back bend, or bridge with raised pelvis, with an overhead arm sweep, inhaling up, exhaling down.

7. Urdhva Prasrta Padasana -- a long name for a simple supine leg lift. From a supine position with knees bent over chest, raise legs straight up, heels reaching for the sky. Slightly confusing, as one exhales up and inhales to the down, bent-knees position.

I skipped the next two in Gary's sequence. I'm not ready for a headstand yet. I'll try slipping in the shoulder stand at number 8 tomorrow, however. Following these two inversions, from prone position:

9. Bhujangasana arm and chest lifts. Not a good pose for me at all. Tomorrow I'll try a variation using leg and chest lifts with arms static and hands placed beside the chest. The version pictured in the book really hurt my shoulder, and I was confused by the exhale up/inhale down instruction for this one.

Skipped Dhanurasana, or bow pose. Too hard on the injured spinal portion (L5/S1).

10. Apanasana, that really lovely and therapeutic supine posture in which the bent knees are moved alternately closer to and further from the chest, with assistance from the arms. Exhale into the closed postion, inhale into the more open part of the sequence, which is slightly confusing, but I'll get used to it.

11. Pascimatanasana -- seated forward bend. Just like uttanasana, only sitting down. This would be a bit dangerous if done early in the sequence.

12. Matsyendrasana -- a seated spinal twist. I couldn't do the one shown in the book because the instructions were very complicated, so I'll continue doing the one Ellen taught me.

13. Vajrasana -- the pose with 1,000 variations. This version is the core version, or simplest one -- symmetrical arm lifts from the knees, exhaling into a variation of child's pose with the arms behind, hands resting palms up on the sacrum.

14. Good old Savasana: resting, supine with a pillow under the knees to take any pressure off the lumbar curve.

This is a good, thorough routine. I'll spend some time adapting it to my purposes in the next few days.

Conspicuously absent: Cakravakasana.

One more change I need to make: I've been doing pranayama as a prelude to asana. Today the breath was real ragged, and I counted 32 cycles in 10:30, as opposed to the usual 25 to 27. Starting tomorrow, I'll do pranayama at the end, and chanting at the very end.

Godspeed, everyone.

March Observation #1

Observation record of an All-levels class taught at Whole Life by Suzette on Wednesday, March 4, in the a.m.

My main objective for this observation was to closely watch the asana sequence and compare it to the one I observed a month earlier. My secondary objective was to discern the linkage of respiration with movement in and out of postures.

But detailed observation was challenging. I was the only male in the room among 11 students and the teacher, and felt out of place. I didn't want to stare at anybody, as that might be threatening and inappropriate.

Today's class began with a period of attention to the breath, then moved into cakravakasana, combining it with vajrasana after a couple of cycles. Vajrasana is an adaptable pose that seems to have about 10,000 variations. This combination of postures looks to be a Viniyoga staple, and I've seen it repeated both early and late in any given practice session.

It's easy to see abdominal breathing coordinated with arm lifts during vajrasana; all but impossible to see anything but slight movement of the exhaling back during child's pose/tabletop.

Deb's class also had cakravakasana early in the sequence, but combined it with leg and arm lifts performed from tabletop I haven't seen in Viniyoga classes before or since.

After a down dog/up dog alternation, Suzette led the group through a sequence of arm and leg lifts whose core was bhujangasana (I think). This mirrored the sequence I saw a month earlier, and in both cases the teachers pointedly reminded students to keep attending to their breath during this series of moves, which requires no small expenditure of muscular concentration. Suzanne did so by saying "Listen to your breath, and try not to let it get ragged."

Good advice. I've caught myself trying to go too fast and gasping during bhujangasana more than once.

Then came the standing poses, tadasana and the standard forward bend, then warrior I, with the class inhaling into the arm lift and chest pop and exhaling into a relaxed self-hug I hadn't seen before. The coordination of breathing with movement in this latter pose was very easy to see from both front and back.

Every Viniyoga class I've observed or participated in seems to start with simple and easy movement, then slowly build to a sort of crescendo, which for this session was reached with Trikonasana of the Parvrtti kind. That transitioned into a low back stretch I've only seen before in non-Viniyoga classes, a forward bend with feet spread.

Then came a period of decrescendo as the session moved toward closing, with an on-the-back sequence consisting of knees to chest, then jatthara Parvrtti (during which I not only saw, but heard students breathing in and out of the open/closed position of the pose), dvipada pitham bridges, supta badha konasana spreadeagle, in this session incorporating a novel series of slow leg closures and openings closely coordinated with the breath, apanasana, and savasana, supported by bolsters which the students used to prop up their lumbar arches.

What I'm seeing is that there seems to be a basic, fundamental Viniyoga sequence incorporating half a dozen postures arranged in a specific order that all the teachers use as a point of departure, along with a disciplined approach to coordinating breath and movement.

Medicine and Therapy

All-day marathon class at the yoga studio yesterday. It ended with some really nice movement. This was Viniyoga at its best, gentle stretching coordinated with the pace of each individual's controlled respiration.

From each according to ability; to each according to need, and always with attention to the breathing.

The way I recovered from alcoholism was by temporarily placing control of my life in the hands of other people, and allowing myself to be converted to a formula for living laid out in a book, one with spiritual overtones. The way I recovered from inflammatory bowel disease was by learning to regard all food as either medicine or poison.

The way I'll recover from the current crisis is by combining those two approaches. I'll turn control of my life over to other people, although they may not be aware of it. I'll immerse myself in the written version of the ancient philosophy of liberation and mindfulness. From now on, breathing is not just a necessary activity; it's my most essential therapy.

_______________________________________________

Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

Let's see, did I practice on Wednesday? I don't think so. I had to go to the physical therapist really early, then later on to an appointment with the attorney to draw up my will. So I skipped that day.

Had a great practice yesterday, though. Breathing is truly a great new experience, but only possible when I'm behaving myself. Yesterday, I was; today I'm not. So it goes, as Vonnegut used to say.

I want to learn. I want to overcome my weaknesses and move on. It's so hard.

We can only learn from those who know more than we do, who are stronger than we are. Why do we have to be so weak and stupid?

Today I have homework to do -- reading and coloring in my anatomy books. That's how I'll spend the rest of the day, except for a brief blogpost at "Catboxx" which I'll cannibalize from BNet.

No BNet today, other than that. It'll be good for me. Tomorrow is all-day class in Seattle. That will keep me behaving.

I really need to be in an institutional environment where somebody else has charge of my behavior. I need to relinquish control of myself to some form of authority. I'm beginning to think it's my only hope.

Misfire

I began a practice this morning and realized I was in no condition to do so.

I'll spend the day trying to recover from yesterday's mini-meltdown.

Between attempting (unsuccessfully so far) to quit smoking, trying to get a handle on health problems, and bouncing around between depressed anxiety and manic confidence, I'm beginning to feel like I don't have a handle on anything.

There's nothing to do but calm down and try again tomorrow.

___________________________________

PET Scan

No practice this morning, as I had to prepare early for another scan that filled me full of radioactivity. It was a time-consuming procedure and it pretty much disrupted the whole day.

For this one they injected a radioactive tracer into my bloodstream beforehand. I don't know what the purpose of that is. All I know is that I'm getting tired of this endless round of "absolutely essential" tests and procedures.

We'll see how absolutely essential all this stuff is after I lose my comprehensive insurance in July, when I turn 65.

The worse problem is that I'm losing my grip. Half the time I don't know what I'm doing. I'm disoriented, and can't find a center of gravity.

Tomorrow's project: get a handle on this mess.

Nearly Hit

It was a disrupted breathing sequence I started the morning with, first disturbed by coughing -- a couple of extended spasms -- and secondly interrupted by intrusive thoughts, specifically angry and perplexed political thoughts.

I'm inclined to abstain from politics if it's going to do that to me. Too bad. I've always loved history and politics, except when one or the other or both starts looking less like it's composed of human activity and more like the snarling of mad dogs.

Ended up with a pretty good pranayama in spite. It was inerrupted, but I always went back to attending to my breathing.

Asana was good. The shoulder's better. Did a full on Matsyendrasana spinal twist with no problem. Trikonasana still hurts, as does Warrior I, but it's getting better.

I'm also doing the physical therapy exercises Michael showed me, and that shoulder is slowly healing.

I need to stay in my own body for a while, and stop worrying about the Communist Plot, lest I become like General Jack D. Ripper, who famously said, "I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids."

Scoped and Scooped

Today I got a lung biopsy. A young doctor put a scope down my windpipe and into my right lung, had a look around, and probably scooped out a little piece.

I thought It'd be an unpleasant experience, but fortunately I wasn't around for it. Without requesting it, I got enough happy juice in my IV to render me unconscious, so I never saw the dreaded scope.

I must not have had too much anesthetic, 'cause it's pretty much worn off now and I feel great.

So now between that, and the PT scan I'm getting on Monday, by midweek we should pretty much know just what it is that I've got.

I'm feeling pretty good about this, truly. And my yoga class is delivering more than my expectations for it anticipated, so that's great. And I'm not smoking nor using a nicotine patch, and I feel terrific. Maybe I'm finally free of that stuff at last.

Better late than never. And in the words of the old negro spiritual, as Dr. King once said, "Free at last; free at last; Great God A'mighty, I am free at last."

Back to the Sources

I'm sitting in the Neptune Coffee Shop on Greenwood, getting ready for yoga class in about two hours, and they're playing all that "modren jazz." If these guys would ever stop tuning up and just play something -- you know, get together on "Stardust" or "Lady, Be Good" or something like that -- they might be OK.

As it is, this stuff gives me shingles. Even if it was good I wouldn't like it.

Got up this morning and did some yoga. Breathing was a little difficult because of frequent coughing, but overall was strong and regular, now that I'm acknowledging emphysema and using a count and a rhythm that work for me. Asana went very well indeed, and felt good, especially in my sore shoulder and back, which are now considerably less sore. I wish I had the time to do it every day, and I will -- soon.

Tonight's class should be stimulating. I imagine there should be some discussion of the sutras, especially Patanjali's aphorisms 1.3 and 1.4.

Doctors and Tests

Did not practice again this morning. Too many doctors. So the last time was Monday, and that was after missing three days.

I'm getting tired of all these tests and diagnostic procedures, but some good may come of it. At the moment I'm scheduled for a biopsy on Friday, get blood drawn on Saturday, PT scan on Monday, breath test a week from Friday. What they're telling me now is that they don't even know if it IS cancer.

So now that they've looked at me through a telescope and a microscope and a diagonal speculometer and probed me with a hydro-electro gesticulating splebe, they've come up with "We're not sure." Well, at least that sounds better than what they were telling me before.

OK, so far so good. But I'm going to look for another regular doctor, I can tell you, and avoid these places where they own all their own blood labs, imaging facilities, etc.

Sick

Ugh! This is hard.

Before I got involved in yoga teacher training, I should have given more thought to how sick I am. I'm sick physically and psychologically about six different ways. That I know of.

I'm sick in the lungs and arteries, the heart and the intestines, and the exit from the intestines. I'm sick in my mind's desire. I'm addicted, afflicted, and interdicted.

I thought I was dealing with all these various illnesses before I started training. But I was only halfway dealing with them, halfheartedly taking half measures.

It's a terrible, hard thing to be exposed in front of people you don't know, especially one's self.

I have a feeling this process of discovery is not done yet. And I know for sure I'm going to have to stop farting around with half measures if I want to stay alive.

__________________

Adaptation Dictated by Circumstances

This morning I've returned to yoga practice after a lost weekend that began with a disconcerting diagnosis on Thursday afternoon. After roughly three days spent reconciling myself to changed circumstances, I'm ready to resume the program. Life goes on, and I suspect it will for a while.

Two steps forward; one step back, two more forward.

The lost weekend is the reason I didn't write up the report of my participation in a morning all-levels class at Whole Life, taught by Sherrill (spelling? her initials are "SS") any sooner than this. I attended on Wednesday, February 18, and I hope I can remember the salient details.

The class began with a brief period of pranayama incorporating all four breath elements (inhale, retention, exhale, suspension), and what I noticed for about the tenth time is that I really can't do suspension, and need to stop trying. Emphysema as severe as mine compromises the lungs' ability to empty themselves, and consequently, inhalation is unusually shallow. if I try to suspend, I end up breathless. Retention, however, is not only easy, but feels good. What I worked out in my morning practice today is that the most comfortable pranayama cycle for me is: inhale count of four, retention count of four, exhale count of eight, followed by the briefest suspension (a half second pause). Here, as elsewhere, my practice needs to be adapted to my circumstances, and considering my numerous physical problems, Viniyoga, with its emphasis on adaptation to the practitioner, is definitely the most practical and most beneficial approach available to me.

After breathing, the class moved into a series of postures performed while lying on the ventral side. Because of a spinal injury at the junction of L5/S1, I found once again that I can lift my legs from this position only with great difficulty, and probably shouldn't try. Lifting the head and chest while lying on the abs seems beneficial, however.

I had trouble breathing during a sequence incorporating cakravakasana and vajrasana. I was moving at the same rhythm as the rest of the class, became breathless, and sort of started gasping. What I should do in future is find a comfortable rate of breathing suitable to that level of exertion, then let the pace of respiration determine the speed of the asana sequence.

We did a series of moves that combined uttanasana and a posture that involved bending at the waist with arms extended overhead, with the face toward the floor. At one point, standing up from the second posture to the fully-standing phase of uttanasana I lost oxygen to the brain and had to go into a squat with hands on the floor to avoid falling. Here again, I'll need to experiment, find a comfortable rate of respiration for this sequence, and let the breath set the pace, irrespective of what others are doing.

At the close of class, during savasana, I felt the usual twin effects from the previous hour's work of relaxation and renewed vigor. I observed as I usually do after practice that the most obvious effect yoga produces on my system is to reduce the pain and discomfort in my lower back. The second most noticeable effect is a calming and reduction in shaking associated with Parkinson's Disease. Thirdly, breathing seems slower and somewhat stronger after practice, although probably nowhere near what normal people experience.

I enjoyed the class and hope to repeat the experience soon.

__________________________________________________________________

Return to the Land of the Living

I guess last Wednesday, the 18th, was the last day I actually did an asana practice or any pranayama. That was at a class I participated in at the Whole Life Studio in Seattle.

Tomorrow I'll go back to it, starting early. I'll be a non-smoker again after slapping on a patch at bedtime tonight, and looking to do some serious breathing. It's been kind of a lost weekend, starting Thursday night and running till now, spent digesting last week's twin diagnoses of Parkinson's and lung cancer. But now that's done and it's time to get back in the game, deal with those things, and move on.

I want to stick around till at least December 21, 2012, so I can see if the Maya were right.

Weekend Stillness

Friday morning, and everything is still.

On Wednesday I traveled to Seattle to take an all-levels Viniyoga class at Whole Life. It was worthwhile and beneficial, but I'll post my specific impressions elsewhere.

Didn't practice yesterday, except for some brief, experimental movement and breathing for purposes of instruction at my regular Thursday evening teacher training class.

I won't practice today either. For one thing, my lifelong bad habit has (temporarily) returned. For another, I'm seeing the physical therapist today so he can treat this shoulder injury and (I hope) symptoms of Parkinson's. My shoulder really hurts right now.

I'm thinking about very large questions this morning. What will be the world's fate? Prospects for the human race don't look too good, but unless there's a thermonuclear exchange, life will go on, one way or another. It's the quality of future human life in a decimated, foreboding, and unforgiving environment that's at issue, and whether living will be worth the effort in the future is the real question. Is "The Road Warrior" the template for the future? It sure as hell ain't "Back to the Future," I can assure you.

Think about those two diametrically opposed visions of what awaits us, then consider, is 2012 the year the future of humanity on earth (or not) will be decided? Are the Mayans trying to tell us something? For all our technical virtuosity, their calendar(s) was more sophisticated than ours, and their astronomy second to none. Is there really something to astrology after all?

Stay tuned. And call me if you come up with any answers. My phone number is 666.

_________________________________________

Sometimes Light, Sometimes Dark

A reflective and quiet practice this morning early. During breathing I managed to keep my mind fairly clear of debris for moderate lengths of time, and shaking due to Parkinson's was minimal.

Asanas were smooth and mindful. I learned some helpful pointers from AG Mohan's book yesterday, and kept my limbs supple rather than tensed during movement.

Sometimes during pranayama as I stare into the darkness of my closed eyes, I see light-colored patterns and fireworks on a black background. Other times I see dark shapes on a slightly lighter background. Today it was the latter. I wonder, what accounts for the difference?

--------------------------------

Observation I

On Monday, 2/9/09, I observed an all-levels morning yoga class taught by Deb at the Whole Life Yoga studio in Seattle's Greenwood District. It could be characterized as a "gentle stretch" class whose object was to bring all the body's major muscle groups into play while engaging the breath, linking the contractions and relaxations of the muscles to the ebb and flow of respiration. As the class settled in, the instructor solicited individual requests from those present for specific types of movement which might be incorporated into the day's work, and also asked if any had specific body parts needing Rx.

Deb began by describing the breath itself, and during a prelude to asana movement encouraged her clients to incorporate a brief suspension into the respiratory cycle. She suggested the possibility of spinal elongation during aspiration and coached students to feel their lungs expanding "top to bottom, side to side, and front to back."

The class moved into Cakravakasana/Child's pose, then incorporated leg and arm lifts, then leg extensions, producing the "two-legged table" effect. Aspiration accompanied the various lifting movements; exhalation the downward/relaxing aspects of these cyclic sequences. I observed that none of the students, from the most flexible among them to the least, had any trouble executing any of these opening postures, nor any that followed, although there were discernible differences in the ranges of motion exhibited by the participants.

At various times during the class I was able to observe the different effects of respiration on the spine -- the thoracic flattening accompanying inhalation during seated and standing postures and the rounding of the upper back that accompanied aspiration during Child's pose especially. At no time was I able to see whatever abdominal movement may have accompanied the students' controlled breathing.

From the opening poses, the class moved into variations of Bhujangasana, bringing the abdominal muscles into play. Students were encouraged to note the differences between the way inhalation felt in this posture and to contrast the feeling with that which accompanies seated aspiration. From there, the class transitioned to Up Dog, then to Vajrasana, inhaling the arms up overhead while standing on knees, then exhaling the arms sidewards as their bodies folded from the waists toward the floor. Then from an interlude in Child's pose again, Down Dog transitioning to Tadasana followed by Uttanasana.

The sequence of postures during this hour-and-a-quarter class also included a lateral bends sequence and series of balance poses. More students had difficulty with the balance poses than any other, but Deb introduced several variations and adaptations (without singling out anyone present) so that in the end all were able to derive the benefits of this movement.

Throughout the class, I noticed that forward bends were initiated more frequently than any other general type of movement, that in all sequences the time required for thorough breathing determined the velocity of the movement rather than vice-versa, and that I was able to see a lot more lengthening of the entire body during inhalation than any other effect of respiration, such as movement in the abdominals.

The class closed with a back bend, Dvipada Pitham, followed by a knees-to-chest pose reminiscent of Apanasana, and a five-minute Savasana.

Distraction

It was an OK practice this morning, although concentration during pranayama was very hard. This Parkinson's Disease is a worrisome thing, and it's got me all distracted.

Did a thorough study of Gary's "Therapy for low back and hips" DVD.

Video Saturday

Didn't practice today. Instead I watched a Kraftsow video on therapy for the lower back. It's an excellent, college-level instructional presentation, and I'll study it in detail tomorrow.

Come to think of it, I'll have an intensive yoga day at home tomorrow -- studying, writing, practicing.

Practice yesterday was satisfactory, even though Parkinson's is disrupting the natural tranquility of pranayama. Asanas were good, my adaptations of the spinal twists and lateral movements adequate, and I had a slight, real nice muscular burn after p.m. movement, about five in the afternoon.

The Sun's Light, When He Unfolds It

Patanjali's aphorism 1.3, in one translation, speaks of a "seer" which an effective yoga practice will establish (or reveal) "in our own true nature," thus enabling the practitioner "to see clearly." Another translator (Desikachar) speaks only of "the ability to understand...fully and correctly," without specifying who or what is doing the understanding.

What is this "seer" which the first translator says is the understander of that which is to be understood? The Upanishads identify it as the Atman, or self, which, as one anonymous commentator explains it, is "hidden in every object of creation," being "the very Self which descends down...through self-projection and participates." According to this view, then, the center of the human being (or any being, for that matter), and the core of each person's anandamaya, is the supreme being itself, apart from, but incorporating itself into, the individual.

This sounds awfully much like the "collective unconscious" theory of Dr. Carl Gustav Jung, who wrote that "A more or less superficial layer of the unconscious (i.e., subconscious mind) is undoubtedly personal. I call it the 'personal unconscious.' But this personal layer rests upon a deeper layer, which does not derive from personal experience and is not a personal acquisition but is inborn. This deeper layer I call the 'collective unconscious.' I have chosen the term 'collective' because this part of the unconscious is not individual but universal..." (S.V. Wikiquote: Carl Jung, http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Carl_Jung)

It's worth noting that Prince Siddhatha the Buddha did not believe in a Self separate from and independent of the individual being, and taught that "Self is but a heap of composite qualities." He believed that what some call the Self or Seer is simply another component in and of the individual. He added his opinion that "the restless, busy nature of this world...is at the root of pain," although he seems also to have been in agreement with Patanjali about the role of misperception in causing suffering. ("Teachings of the Buddha;" compiler Paul Carus, St. Martin's, 1998).

But for our purposes, defining this deep-seated organ of apprehension as God or not-God is not particularly important. What's at issue is the possibility of seeing "clearly," which my primary translation of aphorism 1.4 says is only possible by overcoming "conditioning." Desikachar's translation doesn't use the word "conditioning," but says instead that in the absence of the state of mind Patanjali called "yoga," that the mind's understanding of "the object" is blocked or covered up by "the mind's conception of that object," or by utter incomprehension. As the English poet William Blake famously wrote, "The sun's light, when he unfolds it / Depends on the organ that beholds it."

This is all very deep stuff, and confusing to one not used to thinking in terms which can only seem abstract until experience has made them concrete. I find myself referring back to something I heard Gary Kraftsow say about the G-word several times, when he expressed his preference for simply lumping all notions of Atman, Self, God, etc. under the phrase "that which never changes." I find it easiest to think of this as simply the mind's attention, as distinct from that upon which the attention is directed.

The metaphorical analogy I use is a goldfish bowl, which holds fish, water, plants, pebbles, and dirt. The contents of the bowl are the objects of attention, and the bowl is the attention itself. Jumping ahead slightly to Aphorism 1.6, if I, the practitioner perceive goldfish in the bowl, I'm perceiving accurately; if I see piranhas, I'm misperceiving; if I see miniature sea monsters, I'm imagining; if I see not the goldfish swimming in the bowl but the ones who used to swim there and are now departed, I'm remembering; and if I see nothing, I'm asleep.

But if I empty all the contents of the bowl, and wipe it clean, and allow it to remain empty, avoiding both the temptation and the tendency to fill it with this or that, then there will be nothing to occupy the attention but the attention itself, which unlike its constantly-changing contents, never changes. It's always completely transparent, spotless, and reflects accurately, like a clean mirror.

I must add that since starting this practice and study, as I've attempted to empty my mind's attention of its contents, changes in the mind have occurred. I sometimes see things in my mind's eye that I don't understand. Also, life, and even the most mundane daily events, frequently seem extremely strange and unfamiliar. I'm sure this is some sort of manifestation of the practice. I guess there's nothing to do but go forward with it.

Movin' on Down the Line

Kind of a ragged practice today, since I guess I have quite a lot on my mind. Breath rate was a little elevated yielding a 29-breath pranayama in 10 minutes. Asanas -- the spinal twists and lateral bends -- require adaptation to a sore shoulder.

I'll try getting in touch with the local physical therapist guy tomorrow, and set up an appointment for him to start working on that shoulder next week. Then I'll line up the rest of these various complaints and start knocking them down in order of size.

I will survive...

I've got all my life to live
And I've got all my love to give;
I will survive...

--1980's Pop song,
"I Will Survive"

Class #3 is tonight, so right now I'm on the other side of the Big Water, ensconced in the lively (and very youthful) Neptune Coffee Shop on Greenwood, tapping away, eating cheese, and eavesdropping on the conversations, which isn't difficult since younger people tend to talk loudly.

Nice to see all you Young People here...

_________________________________________

Bend in the Trail

Visited the doctor today who is worried about my lungs, cancer wise. She also suspects I have Parkinson's Disease.

What if I have one or the other? What if I have both? What will I do?

I wonder what this yoga training is about now? Is it going to give me a peaceful and orderly way to approach death?

Anyway, I'm going to finish this class, no matter what. Yoga has already given me more than I expected, and the class is amplifying everything I've learned so far. It's not just a practice, it's an attitude.

Speaking of practice, I did one today with no music. Breathing was intense, and varied in depth and duration. Doing postures, I modified the Matsyendrasana spinal twist and the right arm part of the Trikonasana lateral bend to favor that bad shoulder. The doctor recommended me to a physical therapist for that.

____________________________

Ahimsa

I started Whole Life's yoga instructors' training this past Thursday with a three-hour class, and since then most of us involved in that enterprise have been somewhat immersed. There was a five-hour session at the studio on Sunday, and yesterday I traveled across the water again to do a professional class observation there. There's travel to and from, assigned reading and writing, personal practice, and reflection.

What I've found during this short but intense involvement is that yoga is a lot more than physical therapy, and goes a lot deeper than what might be called "attitude adjustment." If one takes the yoga handed down from Patanjali and Krishnamacharya at all seriously, it offers the possibility of transformation of one's life at all levels of being: in the material body, in the tangible functions and processes of that body's parts, and also in the invisible body of the intellect and rational (or maybe not) apparatus of mental reflection and decision making.

But it doesn't stop there. The yoga of Patanjali is a dynamic, interactive philosophy capable to retooling and reordering the fundamental building blocks of one's personality -- the arrangements that compose the ego itself. And make no mistake, I like my ego (I never leave home without it), but I'm not going to defend one of its main constituents -- fear -- against the non-violent assault from that intrinsic philosophic gentleness implied in yoga, known as ahimsa.

Just in this short immersion period, I've noticed occasional changes in the way I relate to others; I'm quieter and more accommodating than usual. And if this continues, I can imagine this philosophy penetrating to the deepest level of being, that of the heart and soul, the center of one's existence and source of all which is better about us, and all which is worse.

One for the Inside, Two for the Outside

I wanted to mention that the "third eye" experience I had last week was a one-time occurrence, so far. The event hasn't repeated, and apparently can't be willed into happening.

What surprised me about it was that it seems to be strictly an inside job. I always thought that if and when the third eye manifested it would be on the other side of the bone, on the outside, the way it is in the pictures. Instead it's very much in and of the inner being, and my one, brief experience of it found it looking inward, not at all out at the external world.

I always assumed that such an experience would change the way the world looks, but that didn't happen at all.

Maybe it will happen eventually, but for right now I remain convinced that this is a really crappy world we live in, mainly because of the way people treat each other. It's a world in which war and economic exploitation cause immense amounts of unnecessary suffering. If we were living in God's world, it would be different, but we're not. Take a look around you; this world we're in was made by us, not by God. Walk down a city street, and God's presence is there in a few blades of grass and the occasional tree or wild mouse. And maybe deep in our own, bruised, suffering souls as well. But for the most part we live in a world of concrete, exhaust fumes, and meanness.

In order to get to God's world I'd have to travel way out on the Olympic Peninsula, and even there would be exposed to the effects of air and water pollution and deforestation.

This is why I get annoyed when I read or hear the phrase, "Suffering is caused by attachment." It implies that all suffering is caused by attachment, but the truth is that much suffering is existential. The people gassed and incinerated at Auschwitz didn't suffer because they adopted a less-than-useful attitude. A guy who's lost his job at Ford and has a family to support might be said to suffer because he's attached to feeding his kids, but what's the alternative to that?

If a guy gets the flu, he suffers because he's sick, not because he's attached. And of course, while we can always make a bad situation worse by hanging on to a lousy attitude and, say, wallowing in self-pity rather than resolving to do what one needs to do to get well quickly, the root cause of that kind of suffering is existential.

I noticed that Desikachar handles this subject with much more discrimination than I usually encounter, and stresses that if we dedicate ourselves to the practices he teaches, we may be able to "reduce suffering." That's a much more realistic attitude.

And in a world of crap, it's an important distinction.

No practice this morning. I'm in Seattle for a five-hour workshop at the studio, and we'll have a short practice there.

More About Breathing

The breath didn't come as easily during this morning's routine as it did yesterday. I was obviously energized by Thursday's class, but since then I've slipped back into that slightly depressed, low-energy mode.

I wasn't able to get a handle on all those intrusive, disruptive stray thoughts either. Concentration this morning was sorely lacking.

Still, I enjoy practicing without coughing, and breathing easily throughout the day and night, without having to use a puffer. I won't get to first base without my lungs, obviously, and without the breath there's no revelation.

I've been taking Aleve, and it helps. Still, the shoulder really squawked when I tried to do Trikonasana and Warrior II, (I'm already doing a modified, lightweight Ardha Matsyendrasana spinal twist). Maybe on Monday when I practice here (got a workshop at Whole Life Studio tomorrow) I'll just do Warrior I.

Shaking was bad this morning too. Altogether it wasn't the greatest practice, but the main thing is I got up and did it. We can't always do it perfectly, or even well. Sometimes we just have to get it done.

I'll be going to the doctor on Wednesday to try to find out what this shaking is and if it's treatable, and she'll probably prescribe me some kind of heavy-duty anti-inflammatory drug for the shoulder, I hope.

Probably I'll get an order for a chest x-ray as well. Got to keep an eye on that spot in the right lung.

___________________________________

New Breath

The main thing I noticed in practicing this morning after my first class with teacher Tracy W. last night was improved breathing capacity, especially on the intake.

It must have been generated by that four-part breathing exercise we did.

Did not see that cone-like thing looking at me this morning. I think I was too busy concentrating on what I was doing.

Over all, I'd say I feel extremely energized by that class. For one thing, just getting out of the house and being around people for a few hours did wonders. The deep and endless silence here is starting to get to me.

I forgot to chant this morning. I'd better not get too excited.

Shoulder still hurts, but the worst is this shaking. It's uncomfortable and embarrassing. It looks terrible. I need to find out if there's anything I can do to make it go away.

Open Door

Expectations? I have no idea what to expect, mainly because since I started practicing a few years ago things have happened that I couldn't have imagined. For example, when I first started doing asanas at age 60, I never imagined that I'd already made my last visit to a chiropractor, but there it is.

So I guess I don't really have expectations, but just an open mind. I'm open to whatever wants to occur, such as...

I don't know quite how or why it happened, but a previously unknown door in my mind has opened, and beyond it is a room I didn't know was there. The room appears furnished, but with what, I don't know. I haven't gone in there yet.

The main thing is, I had no idea.

This must have resulted from the self-imposed discipline necessary for controlled breathing, and also crucial to even an attempt at getting stray thoughts under control during the breathing process.

Also, there are times during breathing practice when I'm looking into the void and see something looking back at me. It looks like a shallow, metallic cone with the point directly facing the space between my eyes or eyebrows. It looks inanimate but seems intelligent. And when I see this thing, I also feel as if another, third eye has opened, only it's an eye inside my head rather than on the outside.

These developments have been accompanied by lucid dreaming of a type very easy to interpret and pertaining to the heart-body, and this in spite of the fact that the most pertinent dream I remember was couched in symbols, as dreams generally are, rather than a direct expression.

I'd better go back to writing about politics tomorrow, or people are going to start to think I've gone nuts.

Ketchup

Eee, eee, and eek. I've been neglecting my yoga journal. So here's the catch-up post.

Feb. 1, Sunday: did my usual complete practice after skipping asanas on Saturday, but substituted a very mild spinal twist for Ardha Matsyendranasana because of pain in the shoulder. Trikonasana hurts the shoulder too, but I did it anyway because I think the effects of it -- popping in the back and left hip -- are really beneficial.

Feb. 2, Monday: Traveled to Oregon that day, after doing a quick but complete practice shortly after arising. It's a better way to start the day than what I usually do, which is drink six cups of coffee and tap away on the internet tubes for three or four hours, then practice, then eat.

Feb. 3, Tuesday. Did not practice. Returned from Oregon somewhat (but not too badly) bedraggled. I'm having a very tough time relearning guitar because of the loss of muscular control in my hands and fingers. I hope I don't have to give up this project. If I get good enough to play in public again I could turn heads, because even though I wouldn't be the greatest guitar player in the world, I've got the coolest looking guitar of anyone around.

Then there's today. Regular practice this morning (after six cups of coffee and three hours on the computer -- damn! I'm gonna have to change that thing) in spite of the continuing pain in the right shoulder. I'm taking Aleve, but it's not helping.

One thing I noticed (couldn't help but notice) after two consecutive very good days of pranayama last week was the sudden emergence of unusually focused mental clarity during and after dreaming. One dream last Saturday night in particular has stayed with me, as it should and probably must. Never mind that it told me something about the way I view my past behavior that I initially didn't want to know. It's something I have to come to terms with, or it wouldn't have cropped up.

Month's End

I didn't do asanas today because I've definitely got some kind of inflammation in my right shoulder. Guess I have to go to the doctor. Sheesh!

That's what I get for walking up to the store in the snow to get cigarettes. I think it happened on December 27. It was a nasty fall, and for a time I thought I got away with it, but no such luck.

Despite not doing the regular asana routine, I did do pranayama and it was great. No coughing, breath came easy, good concentration. There's a bit of an oxygen deficit that develops with that two-beat hold after exhalation.

Also did the usual chant (about two minutes worth) and some forward bends. I'll see how that shoulder feels tomorrow.

I probably won't practice on Ground Hog Day because I'm driving down to Woodburn to play guitar, and take my Gibson to David for reap pears.

_________________

Chugga Chugga

Since this is primarily a yoga journal, I'll start by mentioning that I had a really excellent practice yesterday, especially keen concentration during pranayama, and that yesterday's session followed up an equally auspicious practice on the 28th.

This morning's session was not quite as good. Breathing was interrupted by frequent coughing and one full-on emphysema attack complete with sneezing before I actually started. But I got through it with only slightly compromised attention to the attention.

Nicotine might have had something to do with it. The 15-milligram patches weren't doing it for me, so I got up this morning and slapped on a 21, and within a few minutes was staggering around like somebody who'd just inhaled a Marlboro Red 100. I was a little lightheaded for a while -- hands and feet got cold -- the works. As I'm writing this three hours later my heartbeat is still rapid and breathing rate elevated.

It's really a powerful drug.

I've finally begun developing some lingering resentments against Rose. For the longest time I was still so madly in love that she remained atop her little pedestal, my saint and angel, despite what she'd done. But now I can see that part of Rose's self-esteem is dependent on her thinking of herself as Venus -- the woman all men find irresistible all the time.

A year ago early January, before I bought the manufactured house, she was over at the tin shack for dinner, and as she was leaving wanted a hug, which evolved into heavy mashing. My emotions got the better of me, and I ended up pleading with her to take me back. She was having none of that, of course, but she'd gotten her payoff. Two weeks ago when I was in and out of Desert Hot Springs in fewer than 24 (because I couldn't stand being there) she insisted I stop by and see her, even though I didn't want to.

She'll get no more fuel for the eternal flame on her little ego altar from me.

I've been reading Desikachar, and I like him better than anyone I've read on the subject so far. He's a gentle and open-hearted soul -- it shows in his writing.

Breath

This morning's pranayama was the best yet. The mind was clean except for attention on the breathing technique and count for long periods.

Paradoxically, emphysema seems worse now that I've quit cigarettes (again). I may have to give up marijuana, which would be really tough because a) I don't want to, and b) it helps me stay away from cigarettes.

Sweetheart of the Rodeo

Musical kind of day.

Morning practice was OK except for coughing, with lots of phlegm. Could be a hangover from smoking, with lots of stuff happening now that I'm quits, or maybe that vaporizer's doing it.

Managed 23 breaths with frequent interruptions.

Either the shoulder's better or I'm working through the pain; I can't tell.

________________________

Back to Basics

After two days of not practicing and two packs of Marlboro Light 100's in four days of smoking, it felt really good to return to the routine today and be able to breathe again.

Depression undermines all my work. I need to take steps to avoid depression. Traveling to Desert Hot Springs a week and a half ago was my worst idea in a long time.

My class starts in less than two weeks, and I want to be physically and mentally ready to begin.

Breath rate was slightly elevated this morning (27 in 10:33) but refreshing and trouble-free. Asanas felt really wonderful, with lots of joint and spine popping (especially during trikonasana) and a good burn in the muscles. My shoulder is still hurting, but I added one of Chris Hamilton's frozen shoulder exercises to the routine and I'll try just working through the pain.

On arising this morning I got two sternum pops by raising my arms overhead and bending back slightly. Sternum pops are the best.

Speed Bump

Breath came with difficulty during practice yesterday, due to smoking. Fewer than 24 hours on cigarettes (and less than half a pack at that point) and inhalation was already severely compromised. This obviously can't and won't continue.

A know a lot of people give no credence to such things, but my yearly horrorscope says change is in the works on this and related fronts.

In contrast to a difficult, almost impossible pranayama, asana practice went very well, with lots of joint pops and releases. I'm a lot more flexible than I was four years ago, that's for sure. The shoulder seems to be slowly -- very slowly -- improving, but it still hurts.

I'll take a day away from practice today, and might make that a Sunday routine. I have a lot of work to do finishing up the paper roadblocks that are keeping us from finalizing mom's estate, and I'm determined to get them all behind me today, with my sister's help. Poor Chris has so little time, so when I ask her for some I don't want to squander any of it.

Regards,
Dave

________________________________

Hope and Hopelessness

My prospects are not good. I appear to be hopelessly addicted to coffee and cigarettes. But I'm determined to move on in spite of it all.

I once appeared to be hopelessly addicted to alcohol too, so I guess there is hope.

Practice was difficult this morning, and concentration all but impossible. The main problem is shaking of the hands during pranayama. The tremor is getting worse, and it's very distracting.

Asana practice went pretty well. The shoulder is still giving me trouble, however, although the back seems almost completely better. It gave me just a little trouble during savasana, but it's much improved.

All progress seems incremental, halting, and irregular. It's constantly two forward and one back. Nothing to do but keep going.

I had some philosophical disagreements with Mr. Mohan. Mr. Desikachar looks more promising, and I'll start reading him tomorrow.

Got on the phone and got all my problems with BECU ironed out. That's a big get, and a load off the mind.

It's Big, It's Heavy, It's Wood

Better day today. Stuff is happening on the estate front. The demon's not around as much.

Still nothing to write home about, and anyway I'm home already.

Lots of trouble with phlegm and throat-clearing during pranayama today. Still in all, a good pranayama with very good concentration. During asanas the back seemed much better, and the shoulder somewhat better also.

Concentration was not that good during asanas. Skipped a couple postures in the routine and had to go back and get them out of sequence.

Day II

Day 2 of yoga and preparation for class. Started reading AG Mohan's "Yoga for Body, Breath, and Mind."

Pranayama was slightly different because I introduced a brief hold after exhale, and had a llttle trouble toward the end with coughing. The count is now 4 in, hold 2, 6 out, hold 2. Still experiencing moderate amounts of oxygen debt with the controlled breathing. Concentration has been good (there's a lot to concentrate on).

Asanas are going well. Shoulder and back are both somewhat better, especially the back. The shoulder still hurts when I do some movements that are part of ardha matsyendranasana and trikonasana.

See also this entry at the other blog.

Perfect Yoga

Yoga this morning was about as perfect as it gets, and it felt great after ten days of not practicing. This is the beginning of something new and difficult, but promising.

Pranayama was a 24 count with mostly good concentration, and asanas went smoothly despite a sore shoulder and slightly sore back. I seem to be none the worse for wear after nine days on the road. For the time being I'll be doing the Utthita Trikonasana instead of the Parivrtti version because of the shoulder.

It's a beautiful day here -- very clear and not too cold since the sun is shining. It's kind of tough not smoking, but I should be patient (something new!) because after all, it's only been four days. I need to start seeing some real recovery in my life, as opposed to staying stuck in a past life that seemed trouble-free. It seemed I was getting something for nothing every day; with no effort, I had the love of a beautiful woman and cigarettes in the twilight. I began to believe there were no consequences and never a price to be paid.

Perpetual Motion

Covered 400 miles today; got 300 tomorrow and I'll be finished with this road trip, God willing.

Eighth day without yoga; seven of them spent mostly driving. Back hurts, shoulders hurt, neck hurts; I'm tired.

Acceptance. Acceptance. Acceptance is the key. That and concentrating on the task(s) at hand. Actually, there are two: wrapping up mom's life, and committing to the new discipline. Both will yield immediate results.

The other task at hand is the blogs; they have and continue to yield results.

illustration found at kratarknathrak.nl.

Traveling

Friday, 1/9, was the last day I did yoga.

I've been on the road since the morning of the tenth, and I've driven every day except Monday. My back is sore.

__________________________

New Leaves

Feels like springtime.

Yoga today for the first time in what? Three days? felt good, along with smoking cessation for what will be the last time until death do us part. Not much trouble breathing (29 breaths -- a little rapid), but the usual concentration problems just won't go away.

Returned to the old asana routine; shoulder and back both are better but not yet good. I'm unsure which version of trikonasana I should be using.

I'll probably head for California tomorrow, as the DOT expects to re-open the flooded freeway some time today. Then it's back here in two weeks or so to prepare for teacher training.

There's still a lot of detail stuff to work out, and not just on mom's affairs. For example, I need to tell Eloise I've moved and apply for medicare plus make arrangements to buy supplemental insurance.

Life goes on.

Noga

I think I did yoga on the sixth, but I really don't remember. I might not have. I think that was the day I went to Seattle and got stiffed at the yoga studio.

None today nor yesterday neither.

Smoking and working.

Today I worked the Vanguard accounts, with success. Yesterday -- was it yesterday I went to Seattle and Townsend?

Despite the memory lapses and frustrations, I've been getting the job done.

Also took all the yarn to Townsend today.

Progress

Got a lot done today. The estate is taking shape, with bank account, insurance forms completed, all interested parties notified, etc. Shoes to the thrift store, jeans are next. This may not be as hard as I thought.

Good yoga today because breathing is better now, although pranayama is still interrupted by coughing sometimes. Slower this morning -- 24 counts -- and some difficulty with asanas because of joint and back pain. Had to give up Gary's version of Trikonasana and go back to the regular one, which Ellen taught me.

Tonight to Chris's to get papers signed. Tomorrow to the yoga studio to buy books, and also there are necessary errands in Port Townsend, so a lot of driving next 36 hours or so. Then on Wednesday, to the car dealer for a little spruce, then probably on to Californie.

Crunch Time

To smoke or not to smoke.

A few cigarettes a day and I stop shaking. But if I smoke one too many, my lungs hurt.

We'll see. I keep recalling how "many of us tried to control and enjoy our drinking."

Can I still do yoga if I smoke? Asana for sure, but what about pranayama?

No yoga yesterday, and I have an appointment with Chris this morning. But we'll see this afternoon.

Recycling and trash dumping kind of day.

Sue is taking mama's old car. We're making a little progress, finally.

________________________________________

New Year

Started the new year with 27-1/2 breaths and a slightly revamped asana practice. No more Utrasana, because I think it hurts my back. Also, I'm combining Dvipada Pitham with a couple nameless frozen shoulder therapeutic exercises I learned from Dr. Chris Hamilton.

Although I don't write by hand any more, I'll try writing up the revised asana sequence in the red book.

No Yoga

No yoga yesterday on the penultimate day of a crappy year. Actually, it was crappy for just about everybody but me. The economy of the U.S. and world went in the toilet. Mom died. My sisters took mom's death really hard. There was barely any Christmas. But it was OK for me, because I made progress. Went almost all year without smoking. Recovery from divorce began. I made a yoga commitment -- really it's an education commitment.

So no yoga yesterday, on account of it was a crappy day anyhow. But there was a bright spot: Chris got those letters necessary to our doing business on mom's affairs, so today we're off to the races. I'm washing clothes and doing yoga. Got my Gibson out of storage and I'll try a few tunes.

Woke up at two in the morning -- power was down. It came back on after a few minutes.

And it looks like I'll be able to go to Sunny Caliphornia after all.

So things is notsobad, except in Gaza.

Mom Committed to the Earth

My sisters and nieces and nephews and grand-niece and I went to Washelli in Seattle today and committed our mom/grandmother/great-grandmother to the cold, damp, earth of the Pacific Northwest. Her ashes will lie right next to dad's.

The day was windy and blustery, with intermittent sun, clouds, and raindrops. "Unsettled" as they say. Ashes to ashes. A short prayer was said.

My sisters took it very hard, Me, not so much.

Other than that it was a yoga kind of day, with 27-1/2 breaths. I'm having problems with my back again, and cannot comfortably assume corpse pose. All the others I can do, although I'm registering some shoulder problems, right side.

On my way home, driving on dear old 99, the lawyer called, and that logjam is freed up. Chris and I can start work setting up the estate, and it will go easily. And I can probably go to California after all, weather permitting.

Casas Fabricada De Queso Amarillo

Estoy perdido. El gato es en la cisterna. Mi tio Crispin corres en la sala, y hablas a las policias. En la noche, Godzillo y Godzilla vanen en casa y cocinen comidas, pero ellos no comen. Es muy tarde a comen, pero ellos miran television. Es muy caliente, y ellos cocines los huevos en la calle. Ellos cocinen huevos y bibe cerveza.

Entonces, en la escuela, la maestra dice Ahora, alumnos, aqui es el mapa de Francia, un pais fabricada de queso, donde ellos comen pan y sal y hablan verdad. Y todas las mujeres es con bebe aqui, y todos los hombres es guapo. Y todas las casas es fabricada de queso amarillo. Y el presidente de la pais se llama El Queso Grande. Todos los infantes no tienen las blusas, y los perros tienen dientes sucios. Uno ladron famoso en Francia se llama Sucio Peludo.
Uno dia la nina llama Babosita corre a la casita escuela roja, con agua en sus ojos y manteca en sus ropas interiores. Babosita no tiene lapiz, y es muy mierda porque ella no tiene lapiz en la clase de Ingles libros. Una planeta mala es en su vida, y su luna es en Modesto.

Nicht Rauchen

Yoga yesterday, but none today. Went to Silverdale, but it was kind of a bust.

Drove to Port Townsend for no reason in particular. Came home and farted around.

No smoking. Time to bust out of the doldrums and get on with it.

Feel good. Think I'll eat an orange.

Yogappeals

My thinking when I took up yoga was that it would help me feel physically better, and also would please my daughter, the illustrious dancer and yogini.

But since then, I've discovered that yoga is a lot more than exercise: it's a philosophy, a spiritual discipline, an aesthetic, and a way of life. The thing I like most about it is that it's very old; nobody knows how old, but it's older than the industrial age by maybe a millennium or two.

Anything significantly older than the industrial age, if some remnant of its pure form can be recovered, might help deliver us from the insanity of modern times.

Hot Idea from Germany

German architects are building a new type of house so airtight it doesn't require a furnace to stay warm inside, even during the cold Baltic winters.

They stay warm mostly by utilizing the body heat of their occupants.

See today's New York Times for more.

I Left My Home in Georgia

What a fucked up day. Everything's up in smoke again. It's the revenge of the Marlboro Man (1954-1998).

Got mad at my daughter because she got careless and let her tax situation get out of hand, and now it'll cost her lots of time and money to get it back. I had to call her back and apologize profusely. Actually, I didn't have to, I wanted to.

Didn't exercise. Didn't shave. Screw it. Go Away. Don't bother me.

I think I'll see if I can salvage something positive by doing a good job of filling out those monster insurance forms. I wonder how long the insurance company will drag their feet to avoid giving us our money? Actually, if I do a good job on the forms, they'll procrastinate a lot less longer than they'd be able to otherwise.

My new job: do what's in front of you (as Janice always says). Don't complain; stop whining. Eat whole, raw foods, and legumes with vegetables. Put an extra blanket on the bed, either in the winter or in Washington State. Sleep with a light and you got it beat, as long as you remember to turn down the heat.

Shake and Take

Christmas day.

Ryan talked about how Charlie the cat defied heredity and several million years of evolution by never landing on his feet.

On a day like this you can choose to either take a shit or shake a tit.

In Transit

Travel day today. Ugh.

Got stuck in the snow but a nice guy with a pickup truck and a tow rope got me out, and I made it to my sister's house.

Snow has slackened now, and is starting to melt.

I don't know if I can handle all the drama here. Good thing I yoga'd this morning.

DB

Accomplishment in Small Things

A good day, begun with a 26-breath pranayama after no yoga yesterday.

Quit smoking again, for the fourth time since October 10, 2007. There is a pack of Marlboro Light 100's in the bowl by the entry way if I should choose to open it and have one. I think I won't choose to do so.

Wrote an ambitious blog post for "Catboxx." It didn't turn out as awesomely as I hoped it would, but it says most of what I wanted to get across, somewhat clumsily in places.

Things are smoothing out.

Regrets

Regrets, I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention...
--Paul Anka
"I Did It My Way"

Mainlining nicotine (i.e., smoking cigarettes) is wonderful and terrible. The chronic depression suddenly lifts (and yes, I'm a chronic depressive -- I understand that now). The painful and dangerous attacks of colitis return.

So I quit again today, if I can through the snow and ice get to Target in Silverdale for patches. I'm condemned to the patch for the rest of my days. It's not as good as mainlining, but it gives me enough to get by. And here's another thing: since I started mainlining, I stopped shaking.

And I do have regrets. I should never have ruined D.'s life the way I did. She knew, even before we were committed, that when she played with me she was playing with destruction. She tried to break it off several times, but we were already in too deep.

And now my life is ruined too. "I'll never smile again..."

There are compensations. There's yoga and Rachel, fruit and eggs, optimal health and insight.

D. took my mom's death harder than I did, as if Dorothy were a fourth parent.

Samizdat

Samizdat udder one.

Up in Smoke

Even though I bought a pack of cigarettes yesterday and have smoked about half of them, I did yoga today.

Pranayama was Ok in spite of that, although the intake was a little short and I ended up with 29 breaths as opposed to the usual 25. Asana practice went well, with lots of joint and back popping.

Also, I was able to drive to Hadlock and go to the store. What a relief!

Tomorrow I'll go to Target in Silverdale, God willing, and get back on the patch -- it's kind of like methadone for nicotine addicts.

Passages

After 40-plus years living with colitis, diverticulitis, and the kind of intestinal disability that makes life unlivable, I'm happy to say that finally, somewhat late in life, I'm enjoying optimal intestinal health.

I'll spare you the disgusting details, in the hope that you'll take my word for it.

I'm not cured, but this debilitating cluster of illnesses is in remission as long as I follow a few simple rules which consist mainly of (1) staying out of restaurants and (2) eating the right things. The cornerstone of this diet is the fruit, the daily orange and banana, and frequently half an avacado, along with a dose of metamucil. In the morning, a couple eggs with whole wheat toast. In the evening, some kind of beans or legumes cooked with a green or yellow vegetable and a trace of meat. That might be accompanied by some cheese and whole wheat crackers. Sometimes there's a baked potato.

Organic produce is best, when available.

I still drink too much coffee, and still take a little refined sugar in the evening (any of that stuff is too much), but I've cut way back on straight carbs, especially refined white flour carbs. The result of that major change? Goodbye gas.

I need to finish Michael Pollan's "In Defense of Food." I'd already begun changing my dietary life before I started reading Pollan, but he's conveniently vindicating everything I've done and that I continue to do. The book in a nutshell says "Eat food, not too much, mostly plants."

The dietary changes have been accompanied and strengthened by a personal yoga practice which ought to be daily but isn't yet (at this point it's about half time). So I'm going to remedy that by assuming the position right now and commencing pranayama, the breathing exercise that's the prelude to the asanas or postures.

Shakes

I've got such a bad case of essential tremor that I can't write by hand any more. There might be an effective physical therapy treatment, and I plan to investigate.

It's worse when I'm scared, and I'm scared right now. We're going to get a blizzard here tonight, and I fear a power outage.

I did yoga on the 18th, but none yesterday and probably none today. I've been housebound, beset by depression and lethargy. There's tons of stuff to do and I'm not doing any of it. Having the internet in the house is proving to be as much of a curse as a blessing, and I'm going to see if I can break away from it right now and do something to help myself.

Life is very rough at this moment, at precisely a time when I was expecting it to be much improved.

Since Late October

Left SoCal October 23 with the house unsold. Arrived here October 26 after a musical interlude in Woodburn and began taking care of mom. House finally closed the next week, and I got the money with no problem.

First three weeks was driving mom to the doctor, test, and procedures, doing the shopping, cooking, escaping the house for internetting 'cause I had no home connection. Nov. 13 I called the doctor's attention to lymph nodes in the lungs he had previously mentioned, went for a CT scan same day, got the lung cancer diagnosis that night.

Next day was full diagnosis (small cell cancer metastasized to liver), decision not to treat the disease, painkillers prescription. Next ten days, 11/14--11/23, saw mom declining rapidly. She began oxycontin, arrived at death's door on Nov. 24.

Next two weeks she was in bed dying, and finally passed on Dec. 7, twelve days ago.

Since then I've been kind of baffled by the enormity of the job in front of me, and also stuck contemplating my own fundamental unhappiness, dissatisfaction, and restlessness.

I'm lonely.

No Firm Date

I still can't get a firm date from my buyer on the exact day his house closes, which is also the day he'll want to move in here, and also the day he'll pay me, and also the day I'll have to have a rented van loaded so I can head out. Latest word is we're looking at about the 24th of this month.

The one thing I can't deal with is "maybe."

Rebirth of Omnem

Omnem is now reconstituted as a personal journal/yoga journal. From now on the private stuff will go here and the public stuff on Catboxx. The reason I'm doing this is because I no longer have enough control over my hands for handwriting.

It's been an eventful month. Started smoking again on Tuesday, 9/23. Sold my house on Monday, 9/29, and will end up taking an $8,400 loss, but that's okay; there's a depression going on.

Will move on either 10/18 or 11/1, depending on when Ted's house closes. Will rent a van, load it, drive it up, offload in Bremerton (Silverdale, actually), drive back, pick up the car, drive back up again. See Catboxx blog.

Mom went into the hospital with elevated heart rate, vertigo, rapid breathing on Wedesday, 10/1. Colonoscopy came up negative. She'll get to go home tomorrow, and she sounds a lot more cooperative now that she's had this scare. Will return to physical therapist to deal with vertigo.

Chris was great through this. It all fell on her, and she did everything that was needed and then some.

Rachel flies home from Texas tomorrow.

All in all, things are pretty good.

Yoga Journal

I'm gonna need a printer.

Did yoga today for the first time since 9/30, pranayama and asana. Pranayama was short -- about five minutes. I started coughing toward the end. Asanas somewhat shortened also, as some of them caused a little shortness of breath.

I quit smoking again on 10/10.

Love,
Dave

In My Jeezny

by Uncle Feces

The jeezny is in two parts: the awake part, and the asleep part.

Yesterday during the awake part I took a long walk and thought about the past, primarily 1968-1969.

Then last night during the asleep part I dealt with the remnants of an even earlier time, mostly 1967.

God Bless You, WW.

Oxo Pip

Omo Bob.

Wow/Mom

Lil Odo

Axaxaxa