(GALVESTON, TX) Watching a brilliant sunrise over Galveston Bay after a night spent ingesting psilocybin mushrooms under the direction and care of an Apache shaman, Vice-President Dick Cheney announced this morning that he is resigning his office immediately.
Tearfully referring to his role in helping to convince President Bush to invade Iraq as "the deranged work of a madman," Cheney said he now looks back on his career in politics and private enterprise "with deep regret."
The vice-president served as Secretary of Defense under George H.W. Bush from 1989 until Clinton took office in 1993. He directed U.S. military operations in Panama and Operation Desert Storm during that time.
From 1995 until 2000, Cheney left public service and was Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of Halliburton Corporation, a big energy sector infrastructure player. Under Cheney's leadership, the number of Halliburton subsidiaries in offshore tax havens increased from 9 to 44. Meanwhile the company, went from paying over $300 a year in corporate income taxes to receiving a tax refund in 1999. Cheney still receives a large annual retirement income package from the company.
In 1997, along with Donald Rumsfeld and others, Cheney founded the "Project for the New American Century," a think tank whose self-stated goal is to "promote American global leadership". In 2000 he successfully campaigned for Vice-President on the Republican ticket.
Cheney suffers from extensive cardio-vascular problems, but he assured reporters this morning that his resignation is unrelated to any health concerns. He said he plans henceforth to donate half his income to the charity Childreach, with the funds earmarked to help African orphans whose parents have died of AIDS.
He also announced that he is leaving his wife, Lynne Cheney, and will enter a Dominican monastery in Mt. Angel, Oregon, where he plans to spend the remainder of his life learning to copy illuminated manuscripts.
"I have a lot of regrets," Cheney said soberly in his final words to reporters, "but at this point there's nothing to do but turn them over to God and ask for forgiveness."
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