...and the day after...

9/21/09 -- combined (mainly) chest inhale with "closing a zipper" exhale. Over all a successful 6: 2: 12: 2 practice lasting about 12 minutes, with some disruption due to shaking.

9/22/09 -- Same as yesterday's routine, but with added pelvic floor contraction on the exhale. I found as this practice progressed that I was not paying as much attention to breathing technique as I had been. Much of my mental effort went into monitoring the level of relaxation in shoulders, arms, hips, and thighs, in order to minimize the shaking in the right hand.

This points the way to the emphases in my future pranayama method, and concludes the two-week personal practice assignment due 9/24.

9/23/09 -- Stayed with the same number of breath cycles adopted during the assigned practice (36), but with slightly altered duration of each cycle (6: 1: 12: 1 = 20). The techniques I'm using are the ones I've mostly used learning pranayama -- breathing mainly into the chest above the diaphragm by concentrating on filling the space between the large ribs, and "closing the zipper" on exhale, with a mild perineal-floor squeeze at the end. I've used these techniques long enough now that they seem almost natural, which enables me to devote sufficient attention to relaxing the large joints and appendages sufficiently to minimize the shaking due to Parkinson's, along with frequently shifting the position of the right hand.

This assignment and the journaling that went with it helped me determine my optimum approach to pranayama.

--30--

the dopamine chronicles

Hey you...you wanna feel really good for a few minutes? Try some of this.

Unfortunately, that stuff has become hard for me to get. And there's only one place I can go to get it -- in my brain.

Sounds like a figment of the imagination, eh? But it's not, and most days I just have to practice without it.

Friday the 18th -- did not practice, after arriving home from class very late the night before and staying up even later.

Saturday the 19th -- the day for "solar plexus inhale" was something new, as I have almost no experience with this technique. Without knowing whether I was actually doing it right, it felt as if air was filling the entire body cavity evenly on inhale, and my trunk felt as if it was shaped something like a kidney bean (only much bigger, ha ha). Using the "closing a zipper" exhale in tandem with this inhale, it was easy to establish and maintain the same 22-second breath cycle I've been using all along, divided into 6: 2: 12: 2. Also experienced some shaking during this practice, but was able to stay concentrated on the task at hand in spite of it. Mission accomplished, second week, first day.

Sunday the 20th -- not a good day. A relaxed exhale apparently does not permit complete or near-complete emptying of my impaired lungs. My counts today were off, although for a while I was able to achieve a duration of 19 seconds divided into 5; 2: 10: 2, but was not able to sustain it over a dozen cycles. The problem I think is that an incomplete exhalation messes up the inhalation that follows.

In addition, shaking in the right hand today was so severe I could hardly keep my mind on what I was doing. On top of that, my mind, being agitated, tended to wander. I did manage to finish the 36-cycle practice, but just barely. This is all just a part of the learning experience entailed in this particular lesson, I suppose.

--30--

A-U-M

Much better today, after a really good night's sleep. I think that was half the problem yesterday.

Techniques: "Belly only" inhale; bottom-to-top ("zipper") abdominal squeeze on exhale.

Duration: 22 seconds -- inhale 6, retain 2, exhale 12, suspend 2.

Cycles: 36 -- 6 to prepare (not timed), 6 inhale/exhale, 6 inahale/retain/exhale, 12 inhale/retain/exhale/suspend, 6 inhale/exhale.

Elapsed time: about 12 minutes.

Shaking due to Parkinson's was mild to moderate.

This concludes the first week of the current two-week assignment.

--30--

cut short again

After asanas this morning, I began pranayama practice following the instruction for the day of doing belly breathing only on the inhale, and using the same count, duration, and ratio as before.

Unfortunately, however, I was unable to complete the practice. About halfway through the 12-cycle portion in which all four elements of the breath are activated, the shaking in my hands due to Parkinson's intensified to the point where I could no longer keep my mind on what I was doing, and I had to stop.

This is a distressing and dark turn of events. The disease seems to be progressing very rapidly now, and every day is worse than the day before. Besides the shaking in the right hand and forearm, I've began shuffling and stumbling around the house.

I'll try again tomorrow, but I may have to suspend this practice until I can see a doctor and begin to manage this disease more than I have so far, which is to say not at all. I've just been living with it and hoping for the best, but apparently that's no longer going to work for me.

--30--

mistaday

Practiced in class for about three and a half hours on Sunday, 9/13, but with very little pranayama, and did not practice yesterday, 9/14.

When I returned to my routine this morning I used the same ratio and total duration for the same number of breath cycles (36) as before, but this time with full-chest-only breathing on the inhale.

I found this to be almost, but not quite, a strain to draw the inhalation out for six seconds. It was not as effortless as with the chest-t0-belly technique of inhaling. However, by the time I got into the 12 breaths in the middle of the cycle where I was using all four elements of the cycle, it felt pretty natural and comfortable.

Left to my own devices, however, I'm sure I'd prefer a chest-t0-belly inhale for six seconds as a standard practice.

--30--

Cut Short

Here are the first two days (of eight) of the new pranayama exercise.

On both these days, inhale was chest-to-belly, and exhale was accomplished by pressing the abdominal muscles toward the spine from the bottom, below the belt and navel, to the top, just below the diaphragm. So in a way these two days were simply a continuation of the previous 28 days -- same breathing technique, same total duration of the breath cycle, using the same ratio.

9/11/09 -- As before, a fully-articulated cycle of 6: 2: 12: 2 for 12 breaths, preceded by six cycles of extending the inhale and exahle without a count, six cycles of 6: 12 without retention or suspension, and six cycles of 6-2-12-0. It was also supposed to be followed by returning the breath to normal with six more cycles of 6:12, but I had to cut that short after three breaths due to a full-blown attack of emphysema, complete with violent coughing and extensive sneezing. I have no idea what caused this, except it might have been triggered by residual smells or smoke in the air from having a fire in the fireplace the night before.

9/12/09 -- As yesterday, only this day I was able to complete all 36 breath cycles in good order. Same breathing technique, durations, ratios, etc. The total elapsed time for this practice is about 12 minutes, which is exactly what one would expect from 36 repetitions of a breath cycle which averages 20 seconds, or roughly three breath cycles a minute.

Painting: "Nearly Hit," oil on canvas, by Paul Klee.

--30--

change for the better

This concludes the 28-day formal paranayama journal, though by my count I still have two make-up days to practice and chronicle. I'll send that last part of the assignment along by e-mail when it's done.

Today's pranayama was exactly like the most recent ones from the past couple days. After half a a dozen preparatory breaths to lengthen the breathing cycle:

6-0-12-0 (6)
6-2-12-0 (6)
6-2-12-2 (12)
6-0-12-0 (6)

____
36 cycles with a target duration of 22, ratio = 3-1-4-1

I think of pranayama as another element in my recovery, a defining lifetime event for so many of us these days. I believe that's because you can't really live in this society of ours, but can only recover from it. I live with residual conditions that result from exposure to our toxic culture, and the way I lived my life. But I don't really suffer from them, since I've eliminated their causes and adjusted. In fact, I've recovered from seemingly hopeless conditions of the body, breath, and mind. A lot of this recovery has occurred since I enrolled in this class. Pranayama and asana have both played significant parts in it.

On a day like today, I can wake up in the morning and thank God for being here, and for feeling the way I do.

--30--

Natural Rhythm

After encountering difficulties on 9/7 in attempting to lengthen retention and suspension, returned to the 6-2-12-2 pattern for the last two days.

I'm comfortable with this total duration of 22 and ratio of 3-1-4-1. With the 18-cycle preparation, by the time I get to the 12-cycle sequence that includes both retention and suspension, the pattern feels very natural, and nothing is forced. The main distraction continues to be shaking due to my nervous system disease, but there's nothing to be done about that, at least not right now.

Probably my next step in advancing pranayama practice should be to seek medical help and initiate a program for managing Parkinson's Disease.

--30--

Difficulty at the End

Yesterday, 9/6, practice was identical to what it had been in the few days prior. Pranayama total duration was 22 seconds per cycle, with a breakdown of 6: 2: 12: 2, or a ratio of 2:1: 6: 1. Elaspsed clock time for that part of the practice was about 12 and a half minutes.

Today, 9/7, I ran into some difficulty during pranayama. For some reason it felt natural today to slightly lengthen retention and suspension, so I increased both from two seconds to three, which yielded a 24-second cycle, as everything else remained the same. But toward the end of the practice, the pranayama was interrupted several times by coughing, which in turn touched off spasms of shaking that pretty much sabotaged the end part of practice.

We'll see where we are tomorrow.

--30--

Extended Breath

Today's practice was long and slow, lasting over an hour altogether.

Picking up where I left off yesterday, I found my inhale to be longer and more controlled during asana practice than it had been previously, with the result that I had less trouble with losing breath, being winded, etc. Plus, I was very attentive to linking movement and breath, and if the breath even began to grow ragged I'd stop and rest.

Pranayama followed a fairly short (five minutes and change) but deep savasana, assumed the exact same pattern as yesterday's, and lasted about 12 and half minutes. The biggest problem I have in this segment of practice is becoming distracted due to the shaking associated with Parkinson's Disease. If I keep the muscles of my hips and thighs relaxed, that seems to minimize it. It's more to think about.

However, even with that, I feel like I'm really getting somewhere in my practice now. Paradoxically, by exerting greater self-control, I feel a greater sensation of freedom.

--30--

Prana

Practice yesterday, 9/3, was identical to those of the preceding four days, with a pranayama segment of 36 cycles anchored by a four-count inhale and a 12-count exhale.

However, today's practice saw an unaccountable shift in the breathing pattern whose most significant feature was an unplanned lengthening of the inhalation, from a count of four to a count of six. This happened seemingly by itself and completely naturally, without any planning or conscious attempt to make it happen.

After six breath cycles lengthening the two active portions of respiration, I continued breathing according the the following patterns:

6 breaths: 6: 0: 12: 0
6 breaths 6: 2: 12: 0
12 breaths 6; 2: 12: 2
6 breaths 6: 0: 12: 0

for a total of 36 breath cycles.

I believe this is significant, and a positive development. I'm not sure what it means, but I suspect it indicates a greater level of control over the process.

--30--

Repeating the Cycle

Nothing new to report today or yesterday, 9/1 and 9/2, except two more identical practices to the ones on 8/30 and 31.

Morning, between 7:00 and 7:30 seems a good time to begin the asanas. Pranayama starts about 45 minutes into the practice, and on both of these days went in exactly the same manner as the two days preceding.

I have not been meditating, because I wanted to focus all my concentration on pranayama until I was sure I had it right. But I will start meditating again tomorrow. AG Mohan says that "Pranayama leaves the mind in a state where meditation...is possible," and that "Without the proper preparation of pranayama, meditation may involve only the imagination." He concludes by reminding the reader that the ultimate goal of this breathing practice is to alter one's state of mind.

--30--

Pranayama Exercise: End of August

Success at last! I think I'm finally following the instructions precisely, and did so during the past two nearly-identical days of practice, at seven in the morning.

After asana practice and savasana, tuned into the ticking of my alarm clock and spent six breath cycles lengthening the two active portions of respiration, then continued breathing according the the following patterns:

6 breaths: 4: 0: 12: 0
6 breaths 4: 2: 12: 0
12 breaths 4; 2: 12: 2
6 breaths 4: 0: 12: 0

for a total of 36 breath cycles.

Did this twice, on 8/30 and 8/31/09. I'm relieved that I finally got right with the instructions, and also that this particular pattern seems well-adapted to emphysema, natural, and comfortable.

--30--

Thursday/Friday/Saturday

Thursday, 8/27/09 -- Pranayama was part of a complete morning practice, immediately after savasana and before meditation. Began with six breaths to establish length, then six with a count of 4 -- 2 (retention) -- 14, then 12 cycles of 4: 2: 14: 2. Ended with six long breath cycles uncounted as a transition to meditation.

Friday, 8/28/09 -- Followed exactly the same routine as yesterday, with the only difference being a slight lengthening of the exhale during the 12-breath segment, yielding a count of 4: 2: 15: 2.

I reviewed the instructions and again found I am still not following them precisely. I'll try again tomorrow to get it right.

8/29/09 -- no formal pranayama today, but I did some breathing in Deirdre Wilcox's class at Whole Life.

--30--

The Instructions

OK, so I finally carefully read my instructions for this week (and for the rest of this four-week exercise), and I think I'm finally doing it right. Better late than never.

8/25/09: After asana practice and a five-minute savasana, I began pranayama practice with a six-breath lengthening of the cycle, during which I concentrated on pushing the belly to the spine on exhale. Following that I began to count, establishing a pattern of 4 counts inhalation, 2-count retention, and 12-count exhale for six breaths. This was all done with the supervision of the clock/metronome.

Then, introducing a 2-count suspension after exhale, maintained this pattern for 12 breaths: 4: 2: 12: 2.

The exhale felt a little short at times.

Six breaths at the end restored respiration to a normal but considerably slowed-down pace as I transitioned into meditation.

8/26/09: A virtually identical repeat of yesterday's exercise, only today the 12-beat exhale did not feel short or uncomfortable at all. Meditation was very satisfying today also.

--30--

In Between

Yesterday, 8/23: It was that rare day when formal breathing was not preceded by asana practice. I felt pressed for time, so sat down and did pranayama followed by meditation with no prep other than bringing attention to the breath for 2-3 minutes before commencing, followed by a short prayer.

It didn't work out all that well. I had the usual six-cycle warm up, maintained 12 cycles of 6: 2: 14: 2 without any struggle, and followed with six cycles during which breathing returned to the new normal (it's always longer and slower than normal for a while after pranayama).

However, I experienced quite a bit of shaking today, and it's a distraction, both during pranayama and meditation. I don't doubt that early asana practice helps keep the shaking down the rest of the day.

Today, 8/24/09: Same routine as yesterday, only with much better results, as pranayama was preceded by movement practice, and shaking due to Parkinson's, while still present, was minimal. Used the same pattern and same length breath components as yesterday, yielding a strange ratio of 3-1-7-1, but such is my idiosyncratic respiratory system.

I always use a clock as a metronome now.

Woodcut: "The Knight, Death, and the Devil" by German artist Albrecht Dürer (1513).

Air Supply

Yesterday, 8/21/09, begins week two of this four-week exercise.

It was a full one-hour practice, and included a pranayama sequence of 6: 2: 12: 2 as measured by the clock.

Six breaths to establish the pattern; 12 cycles of measured breath; six more cycles for decompression and transition to meditation. Total elapsed time for this exercise was about 8:50.

This is a comfortable ratio for a person with moderately severe emphysema -- 3: 1: 6: 1 -- in which the lungs cannot be emptied completely due to the permanent destruction of a significant percentage of the alveoli, which necessarily limits the ability to inhale fully.

Today, 8/22/09: almost exactly the same routine as yesterday -- a one-hour practice with a pranayama sequence which included the same identical constituent parts, breath proportions, total duration, etc., with the difference that today 12 counts did not seem adequate for fully emptying the lungs as much as I'm able to empty them. So tomorrow I'll try to lengthen the exhale just a little, while still retaining the short suspension at the end. That will mess up my nice, symmetrical breath ratios, but one must listen to the body.

--30--

Dave's Yoga Journal

Decided to write up the whole practice today rather than just doing the assigned pranayama notes, so as to get a better idea where I am overall.

Set up to start at noon, but waited until three striking clocks in the house had struck before commencing to attend to breathing.

Asana practice ran just a couple ticks shorter than usual -- about 28 minutes today, not counting savasana. I looked back over my written-out routine and discovered I'd left out uttanasana. It's an easy one to forget -- so simple, yet so important. I do it right after trikonasana, and today because my breathing was stressed during that somewhat demanding pose, I must have been anxious to get to down dog, a rest pose for me.

Pranayama was like this: six cycles to lengthen breath (and it really needed lengthening); 12 cycles of inhale = 6, retain for 3; exhale = 12, suspend for three. This makes 6: 3: 12: 3, yielding a total duration of 24, or a ratio of 2:1:4:1. Then six breaths of decompression followed. All this took about 8:30 altogether.

The suspension was somewhat straining, while the retention feels very strong and natural. Today ended the first week of this exercise. Tomorrow I'm going to try to smooth things out and lengthen the cycle by going to a retention and suspension of one count each.

Followed up pranayama with a meditation on the first four chakras, mentally chanting their associated syllables on exhale (bija mantra). Ended practice with one "Om" and a seated forward bend from cross-legged position, at about 52 minutes.

--30--

Disturbed Breathing

August 18 -- Pranayama notes for the fourth day of the 65th year of our Babylonian captivity.

The breathing was interrupted several times by coughing today, and concentration was difficult because of excessive shaking due to Parkinson's Disease. I need to see an acupuncturist.

Today I changed the counting method, and counted each individual tick of the pendulum as "one" rather than using every other tick as I had been doing before. After six warm-up breaths, the ratio was 6: 2: 12: 2 for a total duration of 22 per cycle.

After 12 monitored breaths and six cycles of decompression, 10 minutes exactly had elapsed.


August 19 -- Breathing was disturbed again today, and during asana practice I noticed the inhale coming rapidly and quite shallow.

The six warm-up breaths went by quickly. Once monitored breathing was begun, I couldn't get any suspense after exhale for about the first six of 12 monitored cycles and was counting 4: 4: 12: 0. During the second half of monitored breathing I settled into 4: 4: 12: 4, for a total duration of 24 per cycle (using the grandfather clock) and a ratio of 1: 1: 3: 1.

Six unmonitored (but deeper than the warm-up) cycles returned breath to normal. The total elapsed time today was about eight minutes.

I noticed that my breathing was better during the meditation period that followed pranayama than it was during pranayama itself. Tomorrow I'll try setting a goal and preparing mentally for pranayama and see if that makes a difference, because right now I'm not getting the results I want.

--30--

Three Days in August

8/15/09 -- I was very busy with a garage sale on this day, and so did not practice. I'll stretch the period for this project out to 29 days, and hope this is the only day I miss.

8/16/09 -- In-class practice at Whole Life. During this coached session of pranayama I was able to sustain a period of suspense after exhalation for the first time, having never been able to do this before.

After a warming-up period, maintained a consistent inhale of three beats, retention of two, exhalation of six, suspension of two, for an unusual ratio of 1-1/2: 1: 3: 1. Followed this with a short period of returning the breath to normal.

I have no idea of how much time this exercise took.

8/17/09

Morning practice at home. Six cycles of lengthening the breath, followed by twelve cycles of 3: 2: 6: 2, just as I did yesterday. Used the grandfather clock as a metronome.

I forgot to keep track of the time, but I'll be sure to do that tomorrow.

Painting, "Pranayama" by Ketna Patel; mixed media on canvas.

--30--

The Midpoint of Meditation

The manipuraka chakra at the level of the navel, is the seat of transformation, corresponds to the transformative power of digestion, and is represented by an equilateral triangle. It's also where one of the body's three diaphragms, which we know simply as "the diaphragm" is located, and is associated with the fire element.

If the digestion is weak or ineffective, our physical well-being is undermined and we suffer from lethargy and energy deficits. Through lack of energy, we become incapable of transforming our lives when necessary.

On deep inhale, think of the manipuraka chakra as the transforming fire, and imagine it as an upright triangle resting on a solid base. Retaining the breath after inhalation, mentally invest this mid-point chakra with its power of mutability derived from its strong but flexible central location. On exhale, mentally chant the syllable "rahm," the sound associated with this chakra. Five repetitions.

A span (the maximum distance between thumb and forefinger) above the navel chakra is the source of love, the anahata or heart chakra. Our feelings of empathy emanate from this spot, and our freedom from the dead weight of resentment and selfishness as well, for it is associated with the air, in which the fire of the third chakra dissipates.

As you inhale, visualize the heart chakra as a lotus flower opening upward, and imagine tapping into the enormous power of love, previously inhibited up by feelings of fear and insecurity generated by an unstable foundation in your first chakra or a lack of fire in your transformative third chakra. Suspending the breath, imagine the relief conferred on your entire life by the potential empathy you possess. On exhale, mentally chant the syllable "yahm," the sound associated with the anahata chakra. Five repetitions.

Take a cleansing breath, then inhale deeply. On exhale chant "Om." Three complete breath cycles, three times.

Open your eyes slowly. You've been meditating deeply, so don't move too fast too soon.

--30--

Pranayama

Yesterday: 8/13/09, mid-morning.

6 breaths preparatory breathing -- lengthening the breath.

12 breaths at a ratio of inhale = 5, exhale = 10, duration 15.

6 breaths returning respiration to normal.

Total elapsed time was 10:30.

Did not use the grandfather clock.

**********************************

Today, 8/14.

Counting with the grandfather clock, inhale = 6, exhale = 12, duration 18.

Same pattern of preparation, counting, and decompression as yesterday, but today's practice only lasted about eight minutes altogether.

Something felt not right with it. It didn't feel natural like yesterday's.

--30--

Lumpy Gravy, Soggy Crust

What a very pleasant and auspicious full practice I had this morning. It set me up nicely for today's work, which was to write up and draw the final sequencing assignment that's due before our yoga class goes on three weeks' vacation.

The writing went pretty easily, now that I have a printer. I've had serious problems writing by hand lately. It's become nearly impossible, and really slows me down. I can still use the keyboard, though, and I'm still able to draw.

Didn't finish the assignment today, but the writing's done, and I'll finish drawing it out tomorrow.

For dinner I made homemade pizza (tomato and basil) for the first time in a great long while. I found that it's a little harder to work with whole wheat floor than the white flour I used to use, but I sweated away and got a decent doughball made at last. Then later, I forgot to pre-bake the crust by itself for about ten minutes before adding the toppings, which I've found over the years you have to do with homemade pizza or end up with a soggy crust every time.

So tonight my crust was a bit underdone, but the flavor was excellent and now I've reviewed everything I need to know to get it perfect next time, which will be Friday.

--30--

On the Mountain

As I look back over my life from the beginning of old age, I see recurring behavior patterns that have limited or at times blocked my growth as a fully-evolved human being, and some of these I'm just now starting to deal with effectively. I've grown and matured rapidly in the last couple of years, partly under the benign influence of yoga and the positive outlook yoga encourages, partly out of necessity and because survival requires it, and partly as the result of the natural evolution of a normal, aging human soul.

Blocking personal cohesion and concentration of the mind, and causing its opposite ("inner obstacles that disperse the mind" according to Bouanchaud's translation), Patanjali lists nine roadblocks. Of these, my history has probably been most severely affected by vyadhi or sickness, most often caused by avirati, which Bouanchaud translates as "intemperance." That word refers among other things to the kinds of substance abuse which pretty much crippled any opportunity I might have had to grow and mature for many years. Alcohol abuse was the main negative actor in my life from the time I was in my late teens, and with increasing severity from about age 30 until age 49 (when I quit for good). The associated illnesses included mental and spriritual immaturity and most of the other personality disorders Patanjali lists, as well as acute inflammatory bowel disease (ulcerative colitis) aggravated by alcohol.

After I quit drinking I was able to mature somewhat, and would estimate I finally shed my adolescent self-absorption and became a full-fledged adult at about age 50. I began to excel in my job of teaching high school English, becoming much more self-controlled and able to deal more effectively with my students. For example, if a kid went out of his way to give me a hard time, I no longer took it personally, like some insecure semi-adult. I went to A.A. meetings, admitted my shortcomings, and faced the music. It was all good.

However, I was still physically and mentally sick because of drug addiction -- cigarettes (nicotine) to be exact. Also, I never exercised and ate a poor diet, especially heavy on refined white flour. I was still quite sick, often couldn't sleep well, felt lethargic and tired all the time, and at times didn't know by Tuesday where I would find the energy to finish the week. And this combination of conditions led to depression sometimes.

I don't blame myself entirely for acquiring all these destructive habits, often referred to as "lifestyle choices." Looking back at the way things used to be, I think some of these behaviors were at the very least culturally encouraged, although I would never go so far as to "blame society" for my becoming a drunk or a cigarette addict. Neither am I ashamed of my past, and there's very little that I wish I had done differently. For as I was taught in A.A., there is no reason to "regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it,"* and past suffering helps put our present, changed conditions into perspective.

The symptoms of suffering remaining in my life are also disease-related, but I don't know whether to regard them as obstacles to growth or motivational tools. Emphysema is simply the permanent legacy of cigarette addiction, and even though it manifests as physical limitations, I can't exactly say I suffer from it. It causes no discomfort except when I climb a mountain (which I did at my sister's urging not too long ago), and my breathing is so much stronger and less troubled than it has been for the past 50 years that I feel nothing but gratitude for still being able to breathe decently, even with limitations. Parkinson's Disease was probably caused by environmental factors in combination with smoking, but dealing with it has become a spur to action, and a challenge to maintain the new-found joy of living without surrendering to depression or the self-pity that sometimes accompanies such a condition.

Yoga, especially since I started a daily practice including pranayama a little over a year ago, and doubly especially since I started yoga teacher training, along with other seismic events in my mature life, has caused me to experience rapid physical, mental, and personality changes. I have no idea where this is going. The changes occur so quickly from one week to the next that I don't have time to evaluate where I am before finding myself somewhere else. Out of necessity, this process is about the journey, not the destination, because I have no sense of where that destination might be, or what it might consist of, and no expectations, excepting I don't expect things to go back to the way they were before.

*(The Big Book of) Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Ed.; New York, 1976, p. 83.

Photo by Chris Warmedahl; click on image for a larger view.

More Peacefuler

I've been having problems in class, specifically trouble learning sequencing, but I finally figured out with a little help from my friends that I simply hadn't studied the rules enough. So every time I draw a sequence now, I'll need to go back and spend an hour or so reviewing those "do's" and "don'ts" and keeping them in mind while cobbling together a proper and "elegant" order of postures.

Yesterday we began our teaching practicum in class at the studio (Whole Life -- see left sidebar). Teamed up with two or three other people over the past couple of weeks, we put our heads together, wrote an hour-and-a-half sequence, and then yesterday each taught a third of it to the rest of the class -- a very full room indeed, since the studio only comfortably holds about 20. I was the very first to perform (of course -- I always seem to be) and surprised myself by doing about as well as I could have hoped -- got high marks and lots of pats on the back, and suddenly realized my job was done -- the pressure was off.

Then during the second half of class, it was another team's turn and I got a full practice in moving through their very well-crafted and pleasant routine -- well taught, too. Afterward most of us convened at a very relaxing potluck at the house of one of the students who lives in the Greenwood neighborhood. I went home late, but fed, relaxed, and happy.

--30--

Sea of Tranquility

Today's was my first full morning yoga practice in a long time, and it felt great.

I still have the remnant of a torn-up shoulder from that fall I took last December, and if I don't get my complete morning stretch it just doesn't feel right.

Concentrated, controlled breathing, pranayama by name, requires more concentration than anything else in the practice, more even than meditation. It's nearly impossible to empty out the mind for more than a few seconds; when unoccupied it immediately seeks a thought, like a child afraid of his own reflection.

Afterward, with tranquil mind and relaxed body, I contemplate the history of our time, which is the last 250 years or so, compared with the time that preceded it -- the previous five thousand years. A historian of the French Ancien Régime I once read -- I forget who it was -- said that the government and culture of Louis XIV's France and ancient Egypt were more similar than the life of the Ancien Régime and that of France in 1890. Materially, we're much better off than our ancestors, better off than they ever even dreamed of being. In our family lives, our spiritual existence, our security or life's foundation...I'm not so sure -- can't really tell. Was there ever a generation before like ours, that didn't know from year to year what their lives were going to be like?

--30--

Supta Badha Adjustasana

Class has gotten tougher lately, I guess because we're getting close to crunch time. Three of us working together have to teach an hour-and-a-half class this coming Sunday, but when I ran through my segment of it twice today I came up about ten minutes short of my allotted half hour both times.

At least we have four days to adjust.

I've also been having a lot of trouble with sequencing, and need to redraw and re-submit an hour-long sequence due day after tomorrow. I can't seem to get my head around the main idea, even though I know it. I think I'm getting distracted by details and zoning out on that main idea -- a bad habit a teacher should know enough to avoid.

We'll try putting a little more effort into it and see what happens.

--30--

Since I Can't Remember When

Today's the first day I did a complete, three-part practice since the 30th. At least I think that's right.

I didn't practice at all yesterday, and the day before that I did movement (asana) only.

I don't remember what I did or didn't do beyond that.

I'll have to be more conscientious about keeping a thorough yoga journal, even though it will make for boring reading sometimes.

Today's complete practice was exhilarating.

--30--

Fresh

I had another smoking episode a couple days ago. It was scary, as those things always are, but recovery from it has been easy and enjoyable and different this time.

This time there's no nicotine patch.

I found out once more that the universe has ways of keeping us from having everything we want. I'd like to smoke AND experience optimum breathing. Unfortunately, we can have one or the other, but not both.

It's never felt this good to breathe before. I need to keep this in mind, because breath is life, and for someone like me, strong breathing is right next door to ecstasy.

--30--

Release Valves

(Reflections on daily personal practice at home and participation in an all-level class at Whole Life Yoga on Saturday, 7/18, taught by Sharon, 10:45 a.m. -- noon.)

When I attended Sharon's late-morning class on Saturday the 18th she included utthita trikonasana in the standing sequence, and probably the peak posture as well. As it happens, this is a movement I do regularly in my daily personal practice as well, so I'm familiar with its inherent difficulties.

The biggest problem I have with utthita trikonasana is a tendency to move the upward-facing arm out in front of the body when coming out of the posture. In fact, this seems to be the most troubling and persistent problem I deal with in any of the various movements common to Viniyoga, with the possible exception of the universal and ever-popular hunching the shoulders toward the ears on forward bends. Other than that, I have a slight tendency to stick my butt out when releasing from this pose, but that's not nearly as pronounced as the problem with the arms wanting to come down at an outward angle as opposed to staying within a vertical plane.

This is a particularly important posture for me to perform properly, because it's been so instrumental in helping me to recover from a shoulder injury I sustained in a fall in the snow last December, which still nags a little sometimes. So I try to pay attention to the proper form, in order to get the full daily benefit of this very complete lateral bend and cervical twist.

I seldom do parivrtti trikonasana (and we didn't do it in Sharon's Saturday-morning class), but when I do I've noticed a tendency to buckle the right knee and rotate the right leg inward when twisting left, and use the same release valve on the other side, although it's not as pronounced when I'm twisting to the right. That's surprising, because I can't twist to the right and raise my right arm in that posture without experiencing a bit of shoulder pain.

In jatthara parivrtti, the universal release valve is bringing the right shoulder off the floor when twisting left, and vice-versa. But as I learned in class when demonstrating this pose, it's not a bad idea to let that happen within limits in order to increase the intensity of the twist. What I found in that demonstration is that working to keep the shoulder glued to the floor or, on the other hand, allowing it rise in an uncontrolled manner, are both ways to undermine the optimum benefit of the pose by restricting the twisting movement of the spine.

We did jatthara in Sharon's class toward the end of the session that Saturday, and I applied what I'd learned in class to maximize the benefit of the posture.

Other than what I've noted above, release valves I've found myself using are:

*Hunching the shoulders toward the ears on forward bends or other postures where the arms are swept up over the head;

*A tendency to collapse the chest over the abdomen on forward bends (especially pascimatanasana), particularly if the shoulders are already hunched;

*Letting the arms trail behind when coming up out of forward bends, causing a tendency to bend from the waist rather than the hips.

I'm sure I'm using other release valves as well that I haven't noticed, and that haven't yet been pointed out to me.

--30--

Daily Practice

Daily Practice now takes about an hour and twenty minutes. It's a comprehensive set of procedures that includes movement (asana), structured breathing (pranayama), and meditation.

Many people mistake asana for the total package because in this country the emphasis and public face of yoga emphasize that facet. That's where most of us start, and a majority of practitioners, while deferring to "the spiritual aspect," probably don't go there. It's Gary Kraftsow's observation that 90 percent or more of his students never develop a daily pranayama practice. "They just won't do it," he says resignedly.

However, because the original intent and ongoing goal of yoga is intended to enhance the functioning of body, breath, and mind, a practice that doesn't include disciplined breathing and meditation is incomplete.

So far my teacher training class has focused only on asana, its fundamental postures and a few of the more difficult ones, its sequences, and planning a class. However, the study of pranayama and meditation is on the schedule.

My current personal practice at home starts with a short prayer, then goes into about 40 minutes of very basic sorts of movements ending with six or seven minutes of rest, which is the perfect transition to pranayama (about 11 minutes).

Because I have emphysema, I can't achieve the "classical" prescribed breath proportions for inhalation, retention of the breath after inhalation, exhalation, or suspension of the breath to end the cycle. One symptom of the disease is an inability of the lungs to fully exhale; there's always some air left no matter how conscientiously one tries to empty them completely. Consequently, full inhalation is impossible, and mine lasts only for a short count of three, followed by a three-count retention. The exhale is proportionally much longer, and lasts for eight counts, with only a very brief pause before the by-now-necessary inhalation begins. This makes a complete cycle of 14 counts.

There is no transition from pranayama to meditation; the object of attention merely shifts from the breath to concentration on the chakras, one at a time and starting with muladhara, at the base of the spine. With the mind focused on the attributes and qualities of each chakra on inhale, and mentally chanting the bija mantra, or sound associated with each of these centers on exhale, the attention moves sequentially up the spine to the point between the eyebrows over the course of 12 minutes or so. Practice ends with a short period of chanting.

My asana practice is fairly progressed, as I've been doing movement more or less regularly about five years now. Pranayama is coming along; I've been at it close to a year. I've barely scratched the surface of meditation, but feel like it's already taken me to places I can't identify. They're very far away, these places, even though on the inside. Coming back from that far place always takes awhile. It has a profoundly calming effect on the mind, which consequently becomes capable of enhanced insight.

I wonder where I'll be going as I progress in this practice.

Mountain Climber

I haven't done a regular practice since Sunday, and won't today either. Spent most of the day working up a written sequence due in class tomorrow.

Yesterday in lieu of yoga practice I clomb a mountain instead. Some people, like my sister the mountain climber might call Hurricane Ridge a hill (a 600-foot vertical ascendancy over 1.6 miles), but to me it was a mountain.

I didn't do too bad for a 65-year-old guy with emphysema, and my sister took this picture of me at the top, from where we could see all the way across the Strait of Juan de Fuca to Victoria, B.C., Canada. The weather here this summer has been perfect for these kinds of outings. Actually, perfect and then some.

I'll return to regular practice tomorrow morning, before I have to catch the boat into town for Thursday night class.

--30--

Across the Water

It was a beautiful high-summer Saturday to be out on Puget Sound with the mountain showing through the mist, and I went early.

Observed Deirdre's intermediate class at Whole Life, and it's going to be tough to draw. She's an accomplished teacher, and some of her flow sequences are like ballets.

I don't think I'm quite ready to practice at the intermediate level. Maybe someday, if I stay with this like I'm doing now.

Then I stayed and practiced in Sharon's class. It was great, and I have to say I'm a real convert to Viniyoga. As they always used to say in A.A. (and I'm certain they still do), "Easy does it."

So why tie yourself up like a pretzel and injure something? The idea is to feel better, and my back hasn't felt this well in years.

I didn't even try to get on the boat coming back, but drove around through Tacoma and then back up the Kitsap to the Hood Canal Bridge crossing. I saw an electric sign near Poulsbo that said the wait in Kingston was two hours, so I'm sure it was the same in Edmonds.

--30--

Friday Practice, Weekly Progress

It's a beautiful day here in the enchanted forest. I've been kicking a bad internet habit, and re-emerging into the real world.

Practice today was perfect. Long, slow movements accompanied by long slow breaths, followed by a very mindful pranayama. Then came meditation, which I took to the sixth level (out of seven).

I'm beginning to see that the period of my life I've thought of as the time of greatest happiness wasn't so great after all, and that more is possible.

Tomorrow's assignment: up at four, leave at six to catch the boat at seven, observe a class at nine, practice in another class at 10:45, depart for home at noon. The ferry dock will probably be non-negotiable (summer crowds) for the return trip, so I'll most likely make the long drive. It might even be kind of relaxing.

--30--

Progressives and Wingnuts

Had a very long, slow, satisfying, complete morning practice this a.m. It's been a few days -- so I can't remember exactly the last time I had the opportunity. I think it may have been Friday.

Saturday I was busy all morning cleaning up the condo, with a trip to the hazmat dump thrown in. Yesterday was all-day yoga class in Seattle, which included a kind of half practice (sometimes you take what you can get).

The most important development lately was the denouement of a battle among the keyboards, during which I discovered that verbal combat at the political issues boards on BeliefNet.com is an addiction, like crack cocaine or cigarettes or Anisette. After locking horns with wingnuts all afternoon and evening Saturday (I've been mixing it up with some of these people for years), I got up Sunday morning with a hangover, realizing (and not for the first time) that it's doing me harm.

"Better to travel on alone," the Buddha said, "than with a fool for a companion." I began to suspect that in dealing with emotionally disordered people, I might be exposing myself to something contagious, and wondered how far the paranoia, resentment, and self-pity the most delusional among us exhibit might spread through contact with the infected.

In class yesterday, our teacher reminded us that the Sutra's advice regarding interpersonal communication is short and to the point: Say little; always speak the truth; and speak from ahimsa (non-violence) or say nothing.

I can no longer, participate at all, much less immerse myself for hours on end, in conversations characterized by anger and hostility, conducted in bad faith at least on one side, and leading nowhere. Doing this is psychologically debilitating, karmically hazardous, and yields nothing but frustration.

I can still write about politics from time to time if I do so in the right spirit and the proper format. But more importantly, I have my assignment and I need to get serious about it: at this time in my life and from here on out, I need to read, study, learn, and teach. Much remains to be done, and there's no time to waste.

--30--

Keeping Current

I did complete practices today and yesterday, both uncharacteristically late in the afternoon. That actually works pretty well.

Practice now consists of

1) a standard prayer or two in English;

2) Asana -- about 35 minutes;

3) Savasana -- seven or eight minutes;

4) Pranayama -- about 11 minutes

5) meditation -- approximately 10 minutes;

6) chanting and bowing down (gesture of gratitude) -- a couple of minutes.

It usually works out to just about exactly an hour.

--30--

Bits and Pieces

Haven't had a regular practice since Tuesday morning. Wednesday I worked most of the day on the written-out sequence I turned in for class last night, and since it was supposed to be for a one-hour (exactly) practice, I ran through the first 14 postures that evening to time it.

I finished the sequence the same night, then got up yesterday and moved through the rest of it. So far, so good. It was another busy day, and then early in the p.m. I was off to meet Dian for coffee in Greenwood and thence to class. The boat was crowded -- overrun by families with kids out on holiday, and it was a superb day to be out on the water.

Class was energizing last night, and we did a few minutes of movement. So that was all good.

What I'm finding is that even if a person is only able to do a little daily asana practice in bits and pieces on a catch-as-catch-can basis, he (or she) can still derive all the benefits of a regular practice.

The physical benefits of the asana portion of the discipline that I notice most are in the large muscles, which are wonderfully toned and elastic, and the joints, which stay supple, flexible, and even at my age, free of arthritis.

Photo(s) by moonmaid.

--30--

Beginning Meditation

The muladhara chakra, at the base of the spine, is also the base of our being. It corresponds to the body below that point, the legs and the feet as well as the anus, and is represented by a square or cube. It's also where one of the body's three diaphragms, the mula banda, which we know as the perineal floor, is located, and is the foundation upon which our being rests.

If the foundation is shaky or compromised in some way, our lives will undermined by feelings of insecurity and dread, someties called "existential anxiety."

On deep inhale, think of the muladhara chakra as the earth, and imagine it as a solid cube, stable and secure. Suspending the breath after inhalation, mentally invest your first chakra with its innate immutability and its low center of gravity, strong, but flexible. On exhale, mentally chant the syllable "lahm," the sound associated with this chakra. Five repetitions.

Two inches above the first chakra is the focus of the creative instincts, the svadisthana chakra, associated with the genitals, sacrum, bladder and kidneys. Our children emanate from this spot, and our own origins as well, as it is associated with water, in which the earth of the first chakra can be dissolved. All life begins in water.

As you inhale, visualize the svadisthana chakra as a crescent moon with the two points turned upward, and imagine activating the enormous reservoir of untapped creativity which till now may have been bottled up by feelings of insecurity and doubt generated by an unstable foundation in your first chakra. Suspending the breath, survey the huge potential of the latent creativity you possess. On exhale, mentally chant the syllable "vahm," the sound associated with the svadisthana chakra. Five repetitions.

Take a cleansing breath, then inhale deeply. On exhale chant "Om." Three complete breath cycles, three times.

Open your eyes slowly. You've been meditating deeply, so don't move too fast too soon.

--30--

Have You Ever?

Have you ever felt such a strong feeling of affection for someone that the feeling just by itself almost breaks your heart?

Have you ever sat and watched your life change from minute to minute and hour to hour, in the same way you'd watch the water in a river flow past?

Have you ever wondered, "Why am I doing this?" and then followed the string of causation back to its most basic and fundamental emotional source?

Does it ever occur to you that all clean food is produced without killing any animal?

I wonder if I should water the yard today. It's Friday, and very quiet here in Port Orchard.

I had a tough time getting home last night, because it's getting harder for me to see in the dark. I got confused, hit a median, and lost a hubcap.

Time to move to the city, old man. Cars go too fast. Walking is the cure for that, and letting somebody else drive.

When I got home, Rachel and Sol were here, just passing through on their way to Vancouver, B.C. today. They're traveling in their new 1975 VW Westphalia van, like a couple of old hippies. We had breakfast this morning, which Rachel cooked in the van while wearing an apron. She's the very picture of happy domesticity -- something I never thought I'd see.

Today they'll take a ferry out of Port Townsend to Whidbey Island, then get back to the mainland via Deception Pass. Thence, up Chuckanut Drive to Bellingham, and on to the border -- all in all a day's work.

Those kids are so beautiful it's painful.

--30--

Drug Dependence-E

After everything I've done trying to change my life, one thing is still the same: drug dependency.

If I don't get the right drugs I come apart in a big hurry.

Nicotine is the worst one, but I'm still pretty dependent on marijuana too. That I need to stay with, since it helps control the shakes. I probably need the caffeine in coffee also.

I'm not smoking cigarettes at all, and it looks more and more like I'm truly done with that (thank God). But when I try to take off that nicotine patch for a couple hours too long I get very ugly and truculent. So I need to get off this nicotine, to quit for good and be done with it forever. It's not doing anything for me.

So I'll slow down, and in another month and a half jump off. That will put a very late, last ending on a story that started 51 years ago.

"Tempus Fugit" read the inscription on the sundial set into the schoolhouse wall in 1958.

--30--

Talking to Morans

No practice today, and no deep meditation. I thought it would be a good day to do some conventional-type thinking about stuff instead.

And after giving it some thought, I came to the startling conclusion that spending four or five or seven or ten hours a day on the intertubes talking to idiots is a total.waste.of.time.

Really, no more of this. I could be doing something useful instead, such as:

a) Washing a dish;

b) Watering the yard;

c) Vacuuming;

d) Petting the cat;

e) Homework;

f) Yoga;

g) Etc.

--30--

Last Night I Had the Strangest Dreams

Actually they came this morning, not last night.

With my mind much agitated by daily meditations and like a person carrying a strong light into a pitch dark cavern, I slept in shifts last night; up in the middle of the night, back to bed early this morning, and that's when the dreams came.

The first, even though the cast of characters consisted of unknown foreigners, concerned my generally manipulative relationships with women over the years. I've mostly excused myself for any behavior as long as it got me what I wanted. That was unpleasant, if digestible. However, the images that followed were simply strange and inscrutable, although certainly not unfamiliar. I remember seeing them in one of the story books of my earliest childhood. The picture of the adolescent boy in the sailor suit using an oar as a weapon was there, on my dream's computer screen as I blogged in a roadside cafe, along with the strange, frightened frog forever escaping from him.

These pictures, so familiar and now recovered for no apparent reason from so far away, are apparently frozen like flies in amber in some remote memory vault. Dreams like this are kind of like an anthropological dig, but turning up results whose meaning is obscure and indecipherable as ancient Etruscan inscriptions in the sunken cellar of a buried villa. But maybe I can read these things if I can unblock the channel...

I was almost afraid to start practice today, for fear of what I might turn up. Still, I prayed to be able to continue, to go further.

During asana I had trouble bending to the left. The hip joint on that side refused to pop, as it was blocked by an immobilized connection in the sacral/pelvic junction, but I kept working. At the very end of that part of the practice something gave way in the pelvis -- on the right-hand side, unexpectedly, and the blockage was undone.

I went through the chants and pranayama, and started meditation, meditating on the heart chakra, Anahata, for the first time today. I've had a blockage in this chakra most of my life, and it's poisoned my relationships with others, and led me to this isolated state I now find myself in.

The sun was shining intermittently before I began practice, and I had begun watering my sister's yard, but as I was meditating on the heart chakra the weather broke, and the sky gods sent a thunderstorm, complete with light show and a hard, pelting rain.

Photograph by Alan L. Bauer.

--30--

Too Much Yoga

I got up and did a complete hour's routine day before yesterday, and wrote it up for the blog. Then I worked on my written-out sequence for class, and to see whether it really is an hour's practice, I had to do it, so I ran through it Wednesday evening.

Then yesterday I went to Parkinson's class, which was pretty vigorous. We did a lot of sun salutations and a lot of twists. Got home and found an e-mail from Tracy that we were starting Thursday night class with a DEEP twisting practice.

God, it was exhausting. Two hours long, and very demanding. And I'm humping through this stuff with all these 30- and 40-year-olds.

I don't think I need to do any yoga today. It's my one day home this week, between cat-sitting jobs, so I think I'll just kick back and chill. Besides, the small of my back is a bit sore.

Unknown dog with sculpture by Kelsey Brookes.

--30--

Daily and Not Daily

My daily practice still takes an hour of real time, even though it's now evolved into a complete five-part process. This morning it was :63 (or 1:03 if you'd rather), total elapsed time.

Tonight I've got to run through the 18 poses (so far) of the sequence I designed for tomorrow night's class and get it as close to exactly an hour as I can. Class has all of a sudden become very demanding.

Then tomorrow I can go back to my own daily practice, which is still the most important thing of all.

--30--

Waste Not Thy Hour

Except for a brief and mild practice ending our marathon classroom session day before yesterday, by this morning I hadn't had a good, comprehensive workout since I left Ludlow to come over here and cat sit for Ron. There was really no time yesterday for either solo practice or going to my Parkinson's class, as it took half the morning to get Ron out of the house and on the road. And that was with him moving more quickly than usual.

This morning I reduced the (already short) interval of chanting, and added a period purely for meditation after pranayama. We'll see where that leads; I've been told it leads somewhere.

The whole routine still takes about an hour, or maybe slightly longer, from start to finish.

--30--

Don't Count on It

I'm getting ready for my once-a-month five-hour classroom instruction marathon, starting about an hour and a half from now.

Today's class will mostly consist of an anatomy lecture.

The coffee shop where I'm getting caffeinated right now has added a nice touch; they have an "eight ball" oracle sitting by the cash register. It'll be there until someone steals it.

Naturally, I asked the eight ball when I came in and ordered if we'd have a reasonably good class session today.

--30--

Adaptation

After Tracy's teacher training class last evening I retired to D's couch in the heart of Seattle's Phinney-wood nabe, then this morning made my way to the hospital which lies just a stone's throw from the seminal and trailblazing Northgate Mall (a dreadful place, best avoided by anyone possessing even pretenses of aesthetic sensibility) for my Yoga for Parkinson's class.

Getting old, as the saying goes, is not for sissies, and isn't my idea of fun, but beats the alternative.

And for all the collective suffering that walks into that room three days a week, this is a remarkably upbeat and positive group. It's a "support group" in the truest sense of that overused term, and fortunate in having a dedicated, serious, and conscientious instructor. I'm finding that I'm free to execute the asanas he calls out as I usually would, but taking care not to show off. Tim helps by coming around and correcting my form, for I have no illusions about being perfect at this stage of the game.

This is a very satisfying experience. It's a bonafide yoga class for real people with a common, real problem which provides the target, and the price is right.

Tarot card, "Il Vecchio," colored pencils on watercolor cardboard, by Dave Brice.

--30--

Early Morning Practice

Actually got up and got into practice uncharacteristically early this morning, since I've got a busy schedule through the late morning and afternoon. I did so after typing up a short, quick, angry, aggressive, insulting, rude, and truthful blog post on BNet and Catboxx, which complicated the process of establishing an optimum yoga practice mentality.

At some point the bullshit narrative we've been subjected to for the past 30 years is going to collapse under the weight of its own endlessly-repeated lies, and it'll be 1968 again. Until then, it's hard to gaze upon any aspect of the war-and-money machine whose tentacles have embraced every aspect of American life since the ascendancy of the Emperor Ronald without being overtaken by outrage and disgust. And for a person keeping a busy schedule, starting the day that way throws some difficulties in the way of sitting down 15 minutes later for a tranquil hour of self-reflection, concentration on the details of movement, and meditative breathing. But where there's a will, there's a way.

We're living in a bifurcated universe, seeking personal peace in an unjust and violent world where there is no peace. Was it always this way?

Photo, "San Francisco Stenciled Sidewalk," by Dave Brice, 2008.

--30--

Yoga and Parkinson's Disease

Took my first yoga class for people with Parkinson's Disease this morning, and it was a very refreshing experience. There were 10 of us there, three women and seven men, plus our young, earnest and studious instructor, Tim. It's a welcome change for me to be able to sit and relax in a room full of people, without feeling self-conscious about the tremor in my right hand and arm.

This was an older group, of course, probably everybody (except Tim) is over 55. Some are in worse shape than others, but we have the illness in common. As we introduced ourselves, Tim asked each of us to mention a favorite book. I said mine was a toss-up between "Moll Flanders" by Daniel Defoe and "The Catcher in the Rye" by J.D. Salinger. As it turned out, one of the other practitioners, a former professor of literature at Lehigh University, recently finished writing a readers' companion volume to accompany "Catcher in the Rye," published by Seattle's Coffeetown Press.

The first third of the hour-and-a-half class we did seated poses in the folding chairs. After that we stood up behind the chairs and had the choice of either doing the movements while holding on to the chair backs or opting for the more vigorous, hands-free versions of the poses, so even in that setting those who preferred to could move energetically enough to raise some heat in the body and get the "burn" of a real workout. The last third of the session was supine poses and savasana.

This was a thoroughly enjoyable experience, and also is the direction I hope to go in my own teaching. I was apologizing for the fact that I can't show up too often, as it costs me $30 now to go to Seattle and return home, but I'm already scheming on a way that I might be able to stay in town on Thursday night after my teacher training class so that I can attend Tim's Friday morning session.

--30--

Down Dog

I went back to my old practice today, the one I've been doing since the beginning of April. There's something in it, or maybe several things, that help my shoulder to heal and shake the inflammation, even better than what the therapist gave me to do. I just don't know exactly what it is that's helping -- warrior pose, down dog, the shoulder stand, the lateral twist triangle pose (that one especially) -- maybe all of them are aiding in healing the injury and inflammation. So I'll stick with the old asana routine for now, combining it with the new breathing/meditation exercises.

As it turns out, my current assignment in the Anatomy Coloring Book is a close examination of that particular joint. Concentrating on the appropriate pictures, I tried figuring out exactly what part is injured, and I'm thinking it's the sub-deltoid bursa, that part of the cushion lying immediately under the deltoid muscle.

I keep having my most vivid dreams in the hour or so before I wake up. This morning I was watching myself as I used to be, when I was in my twenties and early thirties. It was a very clear picture, showed all the old habits and even modes of thinking, and wasn't pleasant viewing. Following that, I got a very brief image of a hanging body so frightening I don't like recalling it. I think it was a revelation of my worst fear.

--30--

Taking a Break

That shoulder injury I got way back in December when I fell in the snow is still bothering me from time to time. It flared up last night, to where I had to get the ice pack and put cold on it for 20 minutes, then a heating pad for 20 minutes (all while sleeping, of course).

There must be something in the new practice aggravating it. So today I'm taking a break from practicing, and just doing three sets of physical therapy/rehab exercises.

I'll resume practice tomorrow, but with the old routine.

--30--

New Practice

I began a new practice yesterday and today which combines asana with breathing and mental exercises designed to train the mind by concentrating it on the chakras.

The first chakra, Muladhara, at the bottom of the spine, is the foundation upon which the others rest. It's represented by a square and governs the lower part of the body, from the soles of the feet to the bottom side of the perineal floor, that diaphragm known as the mulabandha.

It's a slow, deliberate routine, and today I tried the super twist Bharadvajasana for the first time, demonstrated here by Gary kraftsow. However, I couldn't get the hand going behind the back all the way over to the foot, and had to use a strap. Maybe in time...

I had a strange and very lucid nightmare between four and five this morning, and it seemed to last much longer than an hour. I was leaving Santa Cruz for the southland and somehow missed the turn onto Highway One. So I just went on up the road, unfamiliar at that point, and pulled into a strangely-configured mall where I saw a McDonald's sign (of all things). It was a weirdly-fragmented place, broken up into irregularly-shaped little parking lots and clusters of stores. Once parked I couldn't find McDonald's, so I had a sandwich at some other place, and then couldn't find my car. I wandered around through endless parking lots for what seemed like hours, and even though there were a lot of yellow cars and even quite a few yellow beetles, none of them was mine. I asked a few people to help me, but they either laughed at me or just gave me strange looks. By the time I woke up I was sitting on the pavement, nearly crying, and wondering how I would ever get home.

That's probably the biggest universal fear -- that we'll be lost and friendless in a hostile universe, feeling like a motherless child.

--30--

Solitaire

I made a couple of wrong moves yesterday -- smoked a cigarette and ate pizza.

The cigarette I found while going through mom's stuff. It was by itself in one of those little boxes of four the dope merchant corporations used to pay people to hand out free on the street. Try this one, and you too will soon be hooked. God knows how old it was.

And it was horrible. There were scented matches or something carrying a scent in the shoebox where I found it, and it tasted like soap. Still, I smoked it to the end, then eight hours or so later, in the late afternoon felt a particular pain in the lungs that is always caused by cigarette smoke, and never anything else.

Later on, in the evening, I didn't feel like cooking, so I ordered up a small vegetarian pizza and drove the 20-mile round trip required to get it home. It was a beautiful day and I didn't mind. Got it home and it tasted great. But I woke up this morning feeling like a B-1 bomber with a big load of bombs.

These were both good wake-up calls. There's no "up side" left in smoking; it's all a downer. And I've been slipping in my diet, eating a little too much meat, cheese, etc., and not enough rice and vegetables.

The way we feel, day-to-day and minute-to-minute depends on a few fundamentals -- exercise, adequate rest, and what we put into our bodies. I've reached the point now where I can feel the effects of bad decisions immediately, and take corrective steps.

I've been concentrating for the past year on the physical and vital function (i.e., digestion, respiration, etc.) aspects of life -- the annamaya and the pranamaya -- and now I'm ready to incorporate attention to the manomaya -- the intellectual existence -- and will begin to learn to train thought itself. That's the plan, anyway, and I have the right instructor.

I've grown used to the solitary life and come to actually prefer it. It's perfect for the intense self-exploration I'm doing right now.

This may all sound very self-centered, but what I'm learning is going to be applied to service to others in the not-too-distant future.

On a side note, I started taking a nutritional supplement, L-Dopa, as a remedy for Parkinson's disease three days ago. It's an extract of the tropical legume mucusa pruriens, or velvet bean, which has been used in India to treat the disease for over 4,000 years. So far I've noticed some modest improvement in the symptoms, and I'm hoping for more.

Photograph, "The Buddha Watches," by Dave Brice.

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