The Golden Hour

Practice is now nearly exactly one hour, starting with an improvised prayer (but always including the Serenity Prayer), and proceeding through asana, savasana, pranayama, and a short session of very basic chanting. It's the best hour of the day.

The face I saw yesterday during pranayama didn't return today. Instead, I had visions of the ocean; as I inhaled the wave came in, and then receded on the exhale. I think I should take a one-day trip to the ocean at Westport this month, while I still can drive and still have a car.

The asana routine is beginning to become automatic, so I'd better study Gary's asana/chakra meditation routine in the "intellect" chapter of "Yoga for Transformation," and start incorporating some of it. I also was instructed in one of my recent vivid dreams to learn the chant "Ganapati."

Lots of homework for class this week. We have to draw up a new sequence, so I'd better get started today or tomorrow.

--30--

Faces

During pranayama this morning I saw a face looking right at me, a middle-aged man's face in three-eighths profile, looking to one side and right into my eyes. He was kind of scowling but not hostile, just serious. His race or nationality I couldn't determine.

That lasted about two minutes, and I have no idea what it meant. Possibly it meant nothing at all, and was just a stray imagining or long-forgotten fragment called up out of deep memory.

It's amazing what the mind comes up with when it's intensely concentrated on a single, simple object, such as the breath.

--30--

Yesterday Afternoon

Took a class at Whole Life with Suzette yesterday late afternoon, a very pleasant hour and fifteen minutes.

We did quite a few backbends, which are supposed to be energizing. However, by the end of class we were all so relaxed I think everyone wanted a nap. Too bad -- more than half of us had to roll out for three hours of classroom instruction, from 6:30 to 9:30. It was a little past 11:00 when I made it to Chris's in Port Orchard and collapsed into bed.

--30--

Stretching the East

This is a record of my observation of Suzette's all-levels class at Whole Life Yoga on 5/21/09, at 4:30-5:45 p.m.

For this assignment, we were instructed to pay close attention to back bends, to note where the students' movement into these postures originated, and what release valves, if any, were visibly employed by the practitioners as they moved in and out of these bends.

It was a small group consisting of four practitioners, one other observer besides myself, and the instructor.

After introductory attention to the breath and the usual upward arm sweeps, three kneeling postures preceded the first back bend, upward-facing dog. It was immediately preceded by cakravakasana, which provided a natural transition, and I noticed right away that all four practitioners looked to be experienced yoginis. As a group, they showed a polished and confident form as they moved through the routine, and their movement into up dog was no exception. It was hard to isolate a single origin for this movement, as the four ladies' backs bowed simultaneously with their heads coming to an erect posture, facing forward, their shoulders rising just slightly from cakravakasana. I didn't see any of the four using release valves such as hunching the shoulders or collapsing their necks backward. They then lowered themselves slowly down to a prone position.

The class moved immediately into another back bend, salabhasana, the variation where the arms are spread with the hands reaching back toward the similarly spread legs. (One of the students -- the one sort of hanging toward the back, chose to do bhujangasana or a standard cobra pose here instead.) The movement appeared to originate in two places simultaneously: the low back and the shoulders, especially the latter, whose elevation seemed to set in motion the simultaneous raising of all four limbs, the curvature of the spine, and the adduction of the scapulae. Here again, no release valves were visible, and none of the students who did the posture struggled with it in any way. From here, the class transitioned to child's pose, then to downward-facing dog leading to uttanasana.

The two back bends were poses numbers five and six in the sequence, and were followed by a some standing forward bends, and then, immediately following parsvottanasana, at number nine in the sequence, the standing back bend virabhdrasana (warrior I) with "goal post" arms. This simple movement originated with the forward thrusting of the chest, immediately followed by the back-trending rotation of the shoulders, adducting the scapulae and producing the back-bend effect in the lumbar spine. Here again, there were no visible release valves. A counterpose repetition of uttanasana immediately followed.

The next back bend came at position number 14, a return to upward-facing dog as part of a flow sequence which also included plank position and downward-facing dog. As before, all the practitioners, especially the three who sort of lined up in front, moved through these sequences with ease, showing no strain and not visibly employing any releasing shortcuts.

A variation of vimanasana immediately followed the flow sequence. With students' arms and legs raised and the arms sweeping forward, the instructor called out a sequence in which first all four limbs were active, then two at a time; practitioners raised one arm and the opposite leg and continued in this vein alternating sides. The origins of these movements was quite clearly along the whole spine, with the thoracic spine raising up as the lumbar spine curved to enable leg elevation. None of the students appeared to have any difficulty with this strenuous movement, which was followed naturally by apanasana, then a supine twist.

Dvipada pitham was the final back bend of the practice, followed by the heels-to-the-sky urdhva prasrta padasana. Winding down, students relaxed into supta badha konasana, a supine posture of their choice, and a very quiet savasana to end the day.

--30--

Dreaming

It was a highly-evolved practice this morning, especially the 21-breath pranayama. I'm starting to see some real, measurable progress in my breathing, and the improvement in the quality of breath when I'm able to pay attention to it -- not just during pranayama, but any time -- is remarkable.

This asana routine I'm doing is only slightly adapted from Kraftsow's "Yoga for Transformation," and it will be the basis of the sequence assignment I'll turn in to Tracy in a couple of days.

I dreamed a lot again last night. This time I was in prison, although it seemed more like a men's dormitory than a prison and wasn't too awfully bad. Still, I was planning to just walk away from the place after arranging with someone on the outside to leave my car nearby, and simply drive away.

Some of the same people as were in my dreams night before last were in last night's too. A lot of my fellow prisoners were the same young Mexican guys as before, and the main one for sure is Miguel Martinez, a writing proficiency student of mine a couple years before I finished. He was a decent student, and a very pleasant and likable person, and still is (in my dreams).

--30--

Re-Entry

This morning's practice was the first since Wednesday. It felt wonderful and truly liberating, even though the back was sore from excessive driving and lack of exercise.

So there were lots of pops and adjustments. When you get a sternum pop you know you're doing something right. Because of the sore back, I decided to forego "the bow" pose (dhanurasana) in favor of the "the boat" (navasana).

Breathing was a little tough, especially at first. I think the smoke from the wood fires I'm lighting to heat the house might be a little harmful. Most of it goes up the chimney, but some escapes into the room. Managed to get the pace and and timing of the breath under control by the time I relaxed into a very calm, 21-breath pranayama.

I dreamed of that fraud Barack Obama last night, and of his two well-behaved little daughters. They all seemed very happy. I dreamed of people being executed by lethal injection, looking as if they were being crucified. And I dreamed I was living with several young guys, one of whom had an infestation of ants crawling on the wall behind the head of his bed, along with a bunch of rotting brown rice grains stuck to the wall, as if there had been a rice explosion in his bed.

After yesterday's post here on the subject of acceptance, I began practice with a prayer this morning, interrupted by the sudden realization that everything I wrote and thought on both blogs is contained in the three lines of A.A.'s Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.*

*Authorship generally attributed to the German theologian Reinhold Niebuhr, in about 1936, although the attribution is disputed by some. See Wikipedia, s.v. "Serenity Prayer."

--30--

Key to the Highway

...(A)cceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

--The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, P. 449

It may not be the answer to all life's problems, and there always remain some things that are unacceptable. But when it comes to coping with the hand life has dealt us, acceptance is absolutely crucial. Without it we die at some point.

Most of the problems I've been dealing with lately have grown out of my inability to leave the past behind, and accept that it's not coming back. Never again will I be able to sit down with a cup of coffee and a cigarette, and enjoy that delicious feeling that nothing else matters. I could have the coffee and cigarette easily enough, but the cigarette would only give pain and very little pleasure. I'll never again wake up in a warm bed next to my wife of 25 years, with the two of us feeling about one another the way we did then. Even if we tried putting it back together (which is a nonstarter) it could never be the same as it was. We've both moved on.

I need to do more than just know these things. If I can't fully accept them I'll never make any additional progress from where I'm at now. And I've come way too far to stop at this point. But acceptance is hard, and regret clouds the mind. Too bad, for acceptance of these kinds of things is the key to the highway.

That doesn't mean we have to accept the unacceptable, or that everything is perfect in God's world. It's mostly not God's world any more anyway, we've sort of taken it over. But that's political stuff, to be taken up elsewhere.

--30--

Sick

I've been sick and haven't practiced since Wednesday morning. It was something I ate, a fish sandwich that stayed in the car too long I think, and for the past two days it's been poisoning me and has refused to depart.

I even had to leave class a few minutes early last night, I was in such a terrible state. Made the long drive back to my sister's place in Port Orchard and could barely get up the stairs to bed.

Today I've taken nothing but prune juice and Metamucil, and it seems to finally be taking effect. Hope to be back on the road and back in a credible shape and state of mind by tomorrow.

--30--

It Never Changes

The breath came fairly easily this morning despite my having smoked yesterday. It was just a one-day relapse this time, rather than the usual two, because I got up this morning and threw the remaining half pack in the trash. Good riddance to a bad day.

Yesterday was one of those days when, appalled by the present, the mind reflexively reacted by seeking refuge in the past. Big mistake. As Yogi Berra once pronounced with unconscious sagacity, "History ain't what it used to be."

The main source of anguish these days is the country's appalling political/warfare/economic mess, but I don't want to go into that here. See today's Catboxx blog. My other main source of discomfort stems from trying to find a reason to live now that all the things which formerly lent meaning to life -- love and marriage, work and home -- have vanished. I'm old, alone and loveless, and daily watching myself physically degenerate under the advancing encroachment of Parkinson's Disease.

So I prayed this morning for the capacity to be able to keep my attention on That Which Never Changes. I know there's something bigger than me, bigger and more powerful than all of us, and that it will be here after we're gone. What it is I can't say nor understand, for it's out of time -- eternal -- which is why it never changes. I'll never be able to help anyone else, much less myself, if I can't transcend the mundane, the secular, and the commonplace cares of life.

--30--

Wildflowers

It was a beautiful day yesterday, but I spent most of it inside, in a five-hour class introducing the principles of yoga asana sequencing. Today dawned cool and cloudy, but still beautiful, with that deep Northwest kind of stillness, so I don't feel deprived in any way.

Although my Sunday was taken up with yoga studies, there was no practice, so I made up for that this morning with a slow, mindful, and very comprehensive hour spent giving thanks for life and all the opportunities it's afforded me.

Following the usual breakfast (two soft boiled eggs and two slices of whole wheat toast), I walked up to the falls and enjoyed the sweet air and the wildflowers. This is the season for flowers in the woods, most of them tiny and extremely bright. The small lavender bells are beginning to fade already, and the neon magenta blackberry blossoms are turning to embryonic berries as May runs into June, but there are still plenty of purples, reds, yellows, pinks, and whites to cheer the hiker on his or her way.

I think I'll limit my computer time today and continue studying. I really enjoy it, and I'm on a roll.

--30--

45 Minutes

Starting at the end because it's freshest in my mind, I thanked God for this life, complete with all its hardships, after chanting: OM -- OM Namaha -- OM Shanti.

Pranayama was 22 breaths well executed, but made difficult by the incessant shaking in the right hand and forearm due to Parkinson's Disease. This past week, Karrie, a fellow student in yoga teacher training, mentioned that the hospital where she works puts on a weekly yoga class for Parkinson's patients. Must email her, and check this out further.

Asanas went extremely well, and included dhanurasana, the difficult bow-shaped back bend today, as suggested in Gary's routine from "Yoga for Transformation," pages 70-88, the text upon which this entire practice is founded. It seemed to even out and regulate the breath for the remainder of the routine.

Began with the standard prayer, asking for help, and accepting the will of That Which Never Changes.

Today's number is seven.

--30--

Rehab

It's something new to wake up in the morning feeling good.

Most of the changes were gradual. Attention to the the physical vehicle -- its need for regular exercise, appropriate and healthful food, and sufficient sleep and rest -- came slowly, over time.

Other changes were more sudden and dramatic: smoking cessation; parting from Rose. I thought I could never live without Rose. I loved her instinctively, the way a flower loves the sun. Even more than that, I thought I couldn't live without a woman, as I have for all the last 40 years but three. But now I"m finding that it's not only possible, but best that I should live alone. Not quite a hermit in a cave, but something similar.

Along with changes in the body, changes in the mind are now beginning to occur. These are deliberately induced, but I don't know where they're going. The most noticeable effects so far are increased mindfulness, and increased confidence.

I want to keep a fire going in the fireplace. I'll need to find and cut some wood. I'm not doing too bad for a guy of 65.

Photograph by Mathilda Williams.

--30--

Being Here

What I noticed in this morning's practice is intensified powers of concentration.

During the postures sequence I seemed to be completely mindful of what I was doing every second -- completely conscious and present. The mind didn't wander, but remained focussed and homed in on whatever activity the body was about.

This mindfulness carried over into the pranayama.

I don't know where this is going, but I'm on my way.

--30--

All Things Old Are New Again

Everything that arises passes away, the Great Teacher taught us. And everything that passes away returns, but in a new form, "trans"formed, as it were, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, depending on the nature of what it accumulated last time around.

And that's how it was waking up this morning after the previous day's small death. The first thing to do was shower thoroughly, washing off that smell of death and decay. Time to look at the new, and the old which has become new. Time to accept the changed circumstances of life at 65.

A desire to see Old New Mexico is back, along with the testosterone overload of the Rolling Stones when they were dewy-cheeked lads of 20, with their criminally sexy bods and rock-solid R&B.

And so to practice: breathing in -- in with the positive; breathing out -- out with the negative. In with the good, out with the not-so-good; in with the "Yes, I can," out with the "No, I can't." Thus I was taught by my first teacher in California, the great Ellen B. Shooo.

Then come the postures or asanas, new today because of the clarity of mind with which I approach them. And I remembered that I had forgotten one of the most important of the poses last time (Saturday) -- savasana -- important because it prepares the mind and body for what comes after.

Pranayama. The inhale is a little short and labored today, but I'll be back by tomorrow.

Then chant "Namaha" (Your will be done). I accept the will of That Which Never Changes, even if that means Parkinson's Disease.

And that's something new, even if it's old news.

--30--

Captain Crunch

Thursday night in class our maestra, Captain Crunch, led us through a backbends practice. Since most of them were initiated from a prone position (lying on the belly), it was kind of like doing reverse crunches for two hours.

I've always tended to stay away from those things because I'm missing a disc at my L5/sacro-iliac intersection, but I'm going to have to change that thing. Not only did the back get stronger as the practice progressed, but I was able to do a full bow pose (dhanurasana) at the culminating point, and hold it, and breathe fully while in it.

Although I was a little sore afterward, I woke up the next morning feeling grate! So this morning, 36 hours later, I'm ready for a second helping.

Captain Crunch seems hard at times, but apparently she knows best.

--30--

Flaming Groovies

Had a great morning practice this morning. I took my 14 postures slowly, holding each for one breath longer over the course of four repetitions for most of them. It's like a dance, and in the end you've engaged every muscle group in your body -- exhilarating. Followed that with 21 controlled breaths during which concentric rings of fire appeared on the backs of my eyelids. Somebody will have to explain the meaning of that to me. Om.

Om Shanti---
And if you get a chance...ah, but no need to go to BeefNet, you'll see it on my Catboxx blog if you go there. "Lincoln at Gettysburg."

--30--

Happy Day

It was a nice day here at Rancho Huevo. Julie and I did yoga asanas with Rachel's supervision this morning, using a tape from Gary Kraftsow for our prompts. It was great having two expert teachers.

Afterward we finished off the practice by all doing an unhurried, full pranayama. It was a perfect setup for a wonderful day, in spite of the rain.

--30--

The Punctation of Olmütz

I was looking for information on the Punctation of Olmütz, one of the more obscure mid-19th-century European treaties.

When I keyed the name into the query box at Yahoo!, the God machine gave me the information I wanted, but asked at the same time, "Did you mean the punctuation of Olmütz?"

No, silly, the punctuation of Olmütz is an umlaut.

As you can see, along the way I learned how to type diacritical marks on a Mac keyboard. So now I can say Garcia de Véga, or "Feliz nuevo año," or Besançon, or "¿Que Paso?" I've wanted to be able to do that for a long time.

--30--

No Practice Today

After a thorough home practice yesterday and a vigorous routine focussed on backbends last night in class, my only exercise for today was the obligatory walk up past the falls on Ludlow Creek.

Last night was also April's final class, and yesterday I worked to be sure to turn in all the tail-ends of undone homework.

It's a lovely day, and the weather is spectacularly beautiful right now. Those of us living here can rarely say that, but then the good days here are better than the good days anywhere else.

Practice resumes tomorrow.

Lazy

No practice today, which is very unusual.

I used to post to the blog whenever I practiced, because it was an event. But now not practicing merits a post. I guess you could say it's a non-event, or even an unevent.

--30--

Death Nourishes Life

In the rain forest, the black cadavers of the deceased feed the bodies of the green young, who compete with one another for food and light.

--30--

Still Water

Our sutra reflection assignment this month is in three parts. To answer the middle part first, I have to say that at the moment "persevering practice," or at least consistent practice (since I have no idea how long I'll persevere), is no trouble at all. I look forward eagerly to practicing every day, and enjoy it as much as anything else I might happen to do and more than most of what I do. Plus you can't argue with results, and the results of daily practice, which include dramatic and positive changes in health, appearance, and overall vitality, have been nothing short of amazing. So I don't have any trouble following a practice which is consistent, persistent, and dedicated.

As for the question of whether persevering practice or non-attachment could be the biggest help in my life, I don't know. But I suspect consistent and dedicated practice will help me more in the longest run.

If, as Sri Patanjali teaches, the reality of "the inner being establishes itself" only when the mind is completely focused, and if this total focus can only come once ordinary mental activity has ceased, then the experience of reality requires the cessation of thought, or "mental activities." Furthermore, Patanjali taught that this total focus that a person needs to achieve before he or she can experience unfiltered reality requires non-attachment, defined as "having no desire" for any thing, no desire to be any place, no desire to experience any particular outcome, because one's mind is stilled, has rendered itself capable of mirror-like reflection, and is at last aware of "the spiritual principle" (Sutra 1.16)*

In all seriousness, and not being facetious, I have to say that non-attachment sounds like a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there. In fact, it sounds like a necessary place to visit, and frequently, for anyone who wants to enjoy even a minimal degree of mental peace and equilibrium. The problem with mental peace is it's not suitable for dealing with a world gone wrong. That requires attachment to outcomes, attachment to a vision of how things could be different, and a certain amount of righteous indignation. I don't want to be sitting blissed out in the U.S. when my mind becomes aware that a white phosphorus bomb fell on a group of little kids in Afghanistan and burned them to death. I want to feel emotions appropriate to that knowledge, and I need to be attached to certain outcomes to be able to mentally process this kind of knowledge appropriately.

Maybe an awareness of the spiritual principle could help me deal more effectively with the knowledge that it we don't do what's necessary to stop the processes causing the warming of the earth's atmosphere and oceans, the physical principles required to support human and animal life on earth will collapse. But I don't know enough to know how that could be.

It's a paradox, but my sincerest feeling on this topic is that non-attachment and passionate attachment are both necessary to a balanced life in the modern world, a world whose capacity for evil, destruction, and dysfunction, according to the Swiss psychiatrist Carl Gustav Jung, "puts everything that has ever agonized mankind in the deepest shade."

I don't mean to make light of Patanjali's very ancient and profound teaching, and in some ways I believe the truth of it is self-evident. A moving and active mind, like a disturbed body of water will never reflect the real world it exists in with anything approaching perfect accuracy; crystalline reflection requires absolute stillness, and absolute stillness requires cessation of desire. However, much of what Patanjali is talking about has to do with perfection -- perfect apprehension proceeding from the perfect stillness of the perfectly focused mind, and I don't know whether we're supposed to approach this concept as an unattainable ideal of perfection, or something we should aspire to.

I do know that a daily yoga practice makes me feel more emotionally positive and vital, but I don't know what part of the practice -- mental preparation with prayer, asana, savasana, pranayama, or the little bit of chanting I do at the end -- is responsible for that, or whether all of them together are responsible.

So I guess I have say, after all this long-winded digression, that of the two concepts dealt with in Sutra 1.12, non-attachment is more problematic to me than consistent practice.

All quoted paraphrases of material drawn from the sutras is from Bernard Bouanchaud's "The Essence of Yoga."

The quote from Jung is from "The Undiscovered Self," Bollingen Edition, p. 54.

--30--

Relentless Moss

I haven't had a chance to practice today so I made doubly sure to take a walk. The half-mile trail up to the village store via Ludlow Falls is perfect for me, considering my age, my condition, my growing egotism about being in shape, and as an opportunity to show off, if I ever find a lady to show off for.

I had the fleeting realization that maybe I should take my camera when I set out on this walk an hour or so ago. I neglected to follow up on that brain fart, but the great pictures I saw on the trail today aren't going anywhere, and I'll get them another day.

Mostly these unexposed shots will be of death and decay, and the rebirth and new growth that comes out of it. When trees or any other plants die in the rain forest, they begin to rot before they fall, and once they're toppled -- onto the ground, or into the creek, or piled up among the other corpses at the bottom of a ravine -- they're halfway to becoming dirt already. Seedlings take root on the dead bodies of these soggy, disintegrating cadavers, and the ubiquitous, relentless moss, putting its soft fuzz on every available decaying surface, breaks down the old, departed trees and hurries the process along by which they're turned back into dirt.

All of life follows the example of the trees in the Olympic type of rain forest, even our own. We come out of the earth and ultimately belong to the earth, for we're of this intelligent and beautiful earth. And the earth is partly composed of the dead bodies of those who came before us. Our lives are partly made of out and nourished by their former lives, and even their thoughts are a constituent of the compost which feeds and invigorates us.

I'll get some lovely pictures of these things tomorrow or the next day.

--30--

Peace

After getting agitated early in the morning, it was great to dissolve the mind into a full yoga practice and leave the noise and nonsense behind.

The source of this a.m. discomfort was the political right wing, in the person this time of Richard B. Cheney, a.k.a Vlad the Impaler, refusing to let go of their ridiculous and blasphemous contention that torture was "a success." I say "blasphemous" assuming that the foundation of this country involved at least some spiritual (but not religious) principles. But then, I suppose we should thank such people for providing a working definition of moral bankruptcy.

It took some concentration, but I managed to quell the noise in my brain about halfway through the movement (asana) part of the practice, then moved on to a 22-breath, tranquil and disciplined breathing practice (pranayama). That part now includes working to quiet the trembling and shaking of the right hand and arm due to Parkinson's, and rather than considering this a distraction, I've come to regard it as an integral part of the practice.

So with mind and body enhanced, I'm ready to finish getting ready to face the day, and to go on to make something of it. I plan to clean house, write a paper, and sort through a little bit more of the enormous cache of material my mother left behind when she died, determining a final dispensation for some little bit of it.

--30--

"Nearly Hit," oil on canvas, by Paul Klee

Parkinson's Disease

In my case, the disorder is manifested mostly in the right arm and hand. The left arm and hand are a little bit involved occasionally, and sometimes my teeth chatter slightly. So it feels like it's originating around the sides of the neck and tops of the shoulders. But the true origin of it is in the brain, of course, with its insufficient production of dopamine.

I'm finding I can keep it mostly under control during pranayama if I really concentrate on relaxing that right shoulder and arm. Of course, that takes away some of the attention that under normal circumstances would be focused on the breath, but in my case the splitting of attention in this way is both right and proper. IMHO. I'll have to consult the authorities on this.

--30--

Updated Routine

In an attempt to deal with low back problems and kyphosis, I've made a few changes in the asana routine. Most of these postures still include staying for one breath longer during each repetition, up to four breaths.

1. Mountain Pose (Tadasana)
2. Warrior I (Virabhadrasana)
3. Trikonasana
4. Standing forward bend (Uttanasana/Padahastasana)
5. Downward dog from Table top (Adho Mukha Svanasana)
6. Bridge (Dvipada Pitham)
7. Heels-to-ceiling (Urdhva Prasrta Padasana)
8. Shoulder stand (Sarvangasana)
9. Cobra (Bhujangasana)
10. Boat (Navasana)
11. Knees-to-chest (Apanasana)
12. Seated forward bend (Pascimatanasana)
13. Seated spinal twist (Ardha Matsyendrasana)
14. Cakravakasana/Vajrasana

15. Savasana

16. Pranayama

--30--

Patanjali and the Chants

Sometimes I think Patanjali's Yoga Sutras are the stairway to heaven. We have to do the hard work of climbing, but he provides the staircase.

Not much to report right now. I did my full, regular practice both yesterday and today. Morning, before breakfast, works best.

I've been studying quite a bit. I'm also trying to learn some chanting, from my "Chants of India" CD (Ravi Shankar and George Harrison) and a copy of the Taittiriya Upanishad, but I'm having a lot of trouble with the pronunciation of some of the words. There are sounds in Sanskrit we don't have in the European languages; they're both hard to reproduce and even harder to hear accurately.

--30--

Busy Busy Busy

No time for home practice today. I'm on my way to thrift store with a load of stuff (I never buy, only donate, and they're always glad to see me coming), then the grocery, then off to catch the boat for Seattle where I hope to observe one yoga class and participate in another. So if it all works out, I'll get a practice in.

The class I'm hoping to take is "Yoga for relaxation." Sounds great. I'll write up a full report right here.

it's cloudy/gloomy/drizzly here, and very cool. It's kind of beautiful in its own way, though. I guess it kind of grows on a person.

--30--

Big Head

Excellent asana practices both yesterday and today. Same sequence as that outlined below ("Gratitude").

The whole practice, including preparation, pranayama, and decompression takes about an hour.

I've become much more successful at keeping my mind focussed on my breathing during pranayama, what with counting by the sound of the clock, contracting stomach muscles from top to bottom, and all the other stuff there is to concentrate on. It's not exactly what you'd call empty mind, but today I noticed during the last part of pranayama that my head was starting to feel real big.

--30--

Heartbeat

Forewent daily yoga today, after a fairly thorough adaptation workout in class last night. But I did hike up to the falls for a breath test, and passed it.

After some up and down terrain, there's a fairly steep climb up to the falls proper, involving two flights of stairs totaling about 60 steps. I kept moving and the breath came quickly. At the top I checked my pulse and got a reading of about 84. Not bad.

Last night in class during one of the lecture segments, I checked my pulse and it read just a tick above one beat per second while at rest. Also not bad.

Man, if I'd known getting well was going to feel this good, I'd have done it a lot sooner.

Attention

Experienced more success at keeping attention focused on the breath today than I have before.

For the first time, I was very much aware of the limitations imposed by emphysema, and could feel the remnant of unexpelled air in the lungs.

The only major distraction was the trembling in the right hand and arm due to Parkinson's. It's worse some days than others, and today is a bad one. Plus, it's gradually getting worse. I may travel to California in the spring to seek treatment from the master.

Bhimpalasi (in Alacho Tala)

A near-perfect practice today, except for pain in the right shoulder blade, probably due to the lingering effects of the injury.

I can get my right arm up on leftward-trending triangle pose now, but still can't get it over the head.

Pranayama has settled into an established pattern: three count inhale, three count retention, eight count exhale, with only the briefest suspension -- not even one beat. It's fourteen beats altogether, which reminds me of Ravi Shankar's Raga Bhimpalasi, played in alacho tala, a 14-beat cycle.

So it's 14 beats, 28 breaths, elapsed time about 14 minutes. Altogether a symmetrical ritual exercise.

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Weather Report

It's a chilly 30 degrees here in Port Orchard where I'm cat sitting at the moment, but the sun is shining, and it's supposed to warm up to almost 60 degrees later today. Then tomorrow, they're saying it'll actually be over 60! Perish the thought.

Skipped practicing yesterday, as we had a very deep, two-hour practice in class on Thursday night which culminated with that variation of kurmasana known as the "turtle" pose. I'd never done it before, but surprised myself. Even with the sore shoulder I was able to get into this pretzel of a position by grasping a sock between my hands, using it as a short strap.

So yesterday I just worked on the shoulder, doing numerous repetitions of the physical therapy exercises. It was sore enough to interfere with sleeping last night, but feels much better this morning. Slowly, slowly...

Gratitude

Today I'm in Port Orchard, cat sitting with the apple of my sister's eye, Samantha. It's a cold, dark, wet day that started with snow, but fortunately none stuck, as it's gotten too warm.

It's a good day altogether to feel a little gratitude, for what is and what isn't.

I'm most grateful today for the ability to breathe and the ability to move. I'm glad to be here and not somewhere else, and I'm looking forward to class in Seattle tomorrow.

Here's the updated asana list, for reference purposes.

1. Tadasana.* Stay in "up" position one breath longer each time, up to four breaths. That means inhale up, exhale, then inhale again, exhale down; then inhale up, exhale, stay up one-and-a-half cycles, exhale down, and so forth.

2. Parsvottanasana.*

3. Trikonasana, four times each side. Modified with arm down when stretched to the left, due to shoulder injury. Lateral bend stretching the right side four times to compensate.

4. (a) Uttanasana with (b) chest lift. Four times for (a) and (b)

5. Down Dog** from table top. Since we're exhaling up rather than inhaling up, the four repetitions will be slightly longer than nos. 1 and 2. For example, exhale up, full breath cycle, inhale down.

6. Dvipada Pitham.*

7. Urdhva Prasrta Padasana.*

8. Shoulder Stand. Raise on inhale; stay for 16 breaths, then exhale knees to chest and inhale down.

9. Bhujangasana.* Modify for shoulder.

10. Salabhasana.*

11. Apanasana.**

12. Pascimatanasana, parts (a) and (b) (like no. 4).

13. Ardha Matsyendrasana; eight breaths each side.

14. Cakravakasana/Vajrasna. Eight times.

15. Savasana.

Pranayama follows.

Sweet Breath, Sweet Life

I woke up breathing easily, taking in the cool, clean air without difficulty -- something not to be taken for granted. I don't ever have to use oxygen or an inhaler, and I'm really lucky, considering the condition my condition is in, as the barbecued chicken man once said. And with a 50-year history of smoking that barbecued my lungs, I feel like a guy who walked away from a train wreck.

My breathing rate is a little elevated, and I get winded easily, but most most normal activity is no problem.

Returned to the prescribed daily practice today after three days off, largely because of the shoulder. However, I'm beginning to think practicing is good for that, too. It's good for everything else.

I'm using a ready-made routine, from pages 70-88 of Kraftsow's Yoga for Wellness. I have to modify some of the movements, and just skip the headstand altogether; but I only have to adapt three or four out of the fifteen postures I work. An unusual feature of this practice is the instruction to hold the "stay" position for one breath longer on each successive repetition of most of the movements, with four reps. I find this works better than just inahale-up/exhale-down for someone with my condition.

Then I'm doing the breathing/meditation part after, rather than before the exercise portion. It's in the book.

This pranayama has a lot to do with the current sense of well-being. Everything that's been rattling a person seems to come into better perspective, and I've heard it works pretty much the same for everybody. I'm getting these results, too, doing a very imperfect pranayama. I can't claim to be keeping my mind still or always being strictly focused on the breath. But just trying to do it right apparently will get most anyone a real positive effect.

I'm still recovering, and I've got a lot to recover from. Now, from up here, I can see how far down I was, especially when I was in the depths of post-heartbreak depression these past two years.

Mixed media image, "Pranayama," by Ketna Patel.
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Shouldering Pain Aside

Right. Took a break from yoga today so I could concentrate on rehab.

My physical therapist, Michael, is zeroing in on just the right exercises for this shoulder injury I got from falling in the snow last December 24, and now we're starting to get somewhere. So every couple hours I'm pulling on the necktie just that certain way, and doing a couple other weird arm movements, then testing the result by lying on my back and trying to get my elbows to the floor while my hands are clasped behind my head.

"Great happiness," as King Malcolm said early on in Shakespeare's ""MacBeth" before he got stabbed in the neck. I'm just about there, and with less and less pain each time. Plus I'm not hurting in between sets and reps. So I think we're about there.

Our bodies are mostly tough and resilient, but vulnerable in a few key spots, and ya gotta take care of them spots.

What with feeling better, I'm getting more done around the condo. Shoveling out, mostly. God, I'm so ready to be out of here and on the other side of the water, in the big shitty. I want to play music -- low volume, contemporary, cutting-edge, quality stuff that I can hear in my head. With 50 years of experience and a smooth touch on the tubs, I'm sure people will overlook the fact that I'm old. It won't get in the way at all.

I want to carry the message of Viniyoga to people suffering from COPD, particularly to those people who might be sitting alone in little rooms somewhere today feeling hopeless, feeling like there's nothing they can do to help themselves. I want to give 'em the old "come to Jesus" pitch, and then show 'em how it's done.

There's so much I want to do, I feel so alive I'm about to bust out of my own skin.

Joie de Vivre

Participation report for March, 2009 (second of two): Six p.m. all-levels class at WLY, 3/25/09, taught by Beverly.

I hope this doesn't seem more like a personal letter than a formal report for a class, but I have to tell you I've never done a yoga participation that made me feel better than this one. Before class started I didn't know what to expect. The instructor, a woman of mature years whom I had never met before, conveyed a serious and intentional but at the same time very relaxed and friendly attitude that put everyone immediately at ease. There were eleven participants including me, and one observer.

We started with seven or eight minutes of directed breathing, and I noticed my breath was unusually short and labored. I hoped it wouldn't get in the way of a successful practice.

Starting with tadasana, the instructor had us incorporate a mild twist, optimally while up on the balls of the feet, although those who had trouble balancing were encouraged to include the twists with feet on the floor. I had never seen this before, but found it valuable. Balance poses are therapeutic for people with Parkinson's Disease.

We moved into cakravakasana/child's pose, a kind of flow with arm and leg lifts incorporated. The movements were precise, but the demands they made on each of us were no more than anyone could handle, as we were instructed several times to do no more than our bodies could comfortably execute. "Always listen to your body," was the specific advice the instructor gave us in that regard.

The first suite of poses transitioned into a down dog, and from there we went into prone postures -- salabhasana and bhujangasana with various arm sweeps -- the suite of cobra poses. I allowed my breath to get a little too ragged here, and finally checked myself, slowed it down, and re-established the linkage between respiration and movement. One thing I noticed is that my back is getting stronger, but I never push it to the limit.

Standing poses came next, both symmetrical and asymmetrical forward bends, and they felt very good. However, Parsvottanasana required a degree of muscular exertion that left me struggling for air, so I stopped and stood against the back wall for a minute to recover my breath. I always set up in the row closest to the back wall just for this reason.

Every Viniyoga class seems to assume a kind of triangular shape, with the level of exertion in the poses gradually increasing to a high point that generally peaks with a trikonasana of the utthita kind. I was able to perform this movement well except for the up-and-over sweep of the right arm, as I'm still having a bit of trouble with the shoulder on that side. The instructor noted approvingly that several of us were adapting the poses to our individual requirements.

We went into a supine posture for several minutes. Jathara parivrtti both followed and preceded apanasana, and during this twisting motion the teacher noted that this movement is a tonic for the nerves. It certainly was in my case, but more about that later. We ended with dvipada pitham bridges and savasana.

I came out of that class feeling physically better than I did going in, but what I noticed most was a remarkable elevation in my outlook and attitude. The mental effect was both surprising and welcome, and on the boat going home I felt really glad to be alive. I recalled Gary Kraftsow's words which I noted at the beginning of his Viniyoga introductory workshop I attended in Marin County eleven months ago: "the purpose of this is to enhance the flow of one's life."

This was a great class, and the flow of my life is definitely enhanced.

March Observation #2

Intermediate Class taught by Deirdre on Saturday, March 21, 9:15-10:30 a.m.

My main objective in this observation was to note and analyze the differences between an intermediate practice and "all-levels" classes.

The studio was full. There were 13 participants and two observers, and everyone looked pretty serious for a Saturday morning.

The instructor began by seating the students comfortably and having them draw attention to the breath. This phase of the practice was quite thorough, and lasted about seven minutes.

Movement began with arm sweeps and other arm movements, and transitioned easily to child's pose. At this point the students' attention was "reconnected" to their breathing, at about 9:31. This return to attention to the breath occurred intermittently throughout the practice, as it has in all Viniyoga classes I've seen or participated in.

Movement continued with cakravakasana/child's pose, with added movements of the arms and legs, such as lifting the right arm and left leg simultaneously during table top, then lifting the limbs on the other side on the next cycle of the movement. From simple lifts, the instructor moved the class to horizontal arm sweeps during table top, and in doing so provided a smooth transition from table top/child's to vajrasana.

This set the tone for the entire session; the repertoire of simple movements -- the same ones I had seen in all-levels classes -- remained the same, but their variations were explored more in-depth and with more detailed instructions and complexity of movement within the postures than I had seen before.

For example, vajrasana was the basis for moving into downward dog, then the class moved back through vajrasana to table top again, only this time with a lateral bend added, followed by a slow transit to upward-facing dog. The whole sequence used table-top as a hub for other, auxiliary forms of movement, and instructions were very detailed throughout.

At 9:43 the class moved to poses from a prone postion such as salabhasana and bhujangasana. Standing poses came after that, and then two postures that participants had requested specifically, a quadriceps-stretching/balance pose called "Dancer's" and a hip opener called "pigeon" prepared the group for savasana, which was approached through dvipada pitham (bridge) posture.

I spoke with Deirdre briefly after class, and she verified my observation that the movements of an intermediate group are intentionally designed and sequenced with greater attention to small details than those of an all-levels session. She explained that part of the rationale for this is that the participants need to pay very close attention to the instructions in order to execute the movements properly, which serves to keep students' attention securely fastened on the task at hand. It's a technique that helps increase mindfulness, in addition to stretching and moving all parts of the body.

The Persistence of Memory

Reflecting on the Yoga Sutras, 1.5 -- 1.11

Looking back over a typical day, I'd have to say most of my mental activity is directed toward understanding, although whether the effort is successful isn't for me to say.

It's more successful than it used to be, that I'm sure of. In my youth and middle age, I spent a lot of time rationalizing the facts of my various addictions. I knew my behavior was unhealthy, but imagined it didn't and wouldn't have any serious consequences. I thought that addictive behavior was normal, that it's what regular people (like myself) did, so I was stuck in a combination of imagination (aphorism 1.9) and error (1.8). Today I spend quite a bit of time trying to reach an accurate understanding of how I got to be where I am.

I also spend part of each day reading, mostly on the net, pondering politics and history. This has been a habit of mine from a very young age (though not pursued on the internet until recently). I take in a lot of information, and try to discriminate between reliable and unreliable testimony so as to be able to draw clear and accurate conclusions. I'm not sure what good it does.

I don't think I'm a leaky vessel, or tipped, or upside-down. I'm a dirty vessel trying to get clean. And I remember everything. "Memory," as Patanjali tells us, "retains living experience" (1.11), but memories have to be processed for their meaning to become clear, and there again, the memories, like sensory perception of events in the present, can be either perceived accurately or erroneously.

There is one type of memory I want to investigate further, but I haven't found any guidance in Patanjali's Sutras (so far) for doing so. The sage speaks of mental activity, but doesn't discriminate between mental activity which occurs in the conscious mind and that which occurs in the subconscious. I'm speaking here of memories which well up spontaneously out of the subconscious when I'm practicing pranayama and/or meditation. These take a form very much like that of a still photograph, because, as C.G. Jung explains it, subconscious thought, "when represented to the mind, appears as an image which expresses the nature of the instinctive impulse visually and concretely, like a picture." (Jung, "The Undiscovered Self, p. 38.)

For example, nearly every day at the very beginning of pranayama, an image of an intersection in Desert Hot Springs, where I turned one way to go to one yoga class and the opposite way to travel to another, fixes itself briefly in the mind's eye, as if it's linked inextricably with the action of sitting down and drawing attention to the breath.

I've also confronted another type of recollection, the conscious but suppressed kind, as the mind has become less turbulent during pranayama or meditation. Ordinarily my mind is full of thought waves, like a wind-blown body of water, but as it becomes more settled during contemplation, like still water, memories of either things I've done which I regret, or things done to me which were unpleasant, sometimes well up from the bottom of the conscious mind. I think they were tamped down to the bottom of the can, so to speak, by the ego, which doesn't want to admit the full truth regarding my true identity.

I think any approach to the Ananda Maya, or even becoming aware that there is such a thing, will involve assimilating hard truths about oneself not formerly acknowledged. I wouldn't want to leave the house without my ego intact, but the truth is that's not me. That's just who I would like to think I am. As Andy Warhol once said, "It's not who you are that's important, it's who people think you are." But deep inside, I'd rather know the whole truth.

The painting "Persistence of Memory" is by Salvador Dali.

Life's Breath

The air we take in as breath is the most fundamental form of nourishment, or prana as it is designated by the Hindoos. Then, in order of importance, comes water, then food.

Reflect for a moment on how important breathing is to each of us in terms of our total nourishment, and the true extent of the damage done by habitual, long-term smoking comes into true perspective. Crippling the organ that gathers and processes the prana, one of the great gifts of the universe, seems insane, but people nowadays do it all the time, driven to self-destruction by a merciless drug addiction.

When I attend to my breathing, I do so with an awareness of my limitations. A 50-year history of cigarette smoking is common enough among people my age, and those of us whose bodies are compromised by such a history need to approach the practices of yoga -- asana (movement) and pranayama (attention to the breath) -- differently than those who enjoy whole respiratory systems and normal fluctuations of the breath.

For those with COPD, the ability of the damaged lungs to exhale completely is compromised. This means in turn that inhalation is by necessity somewhat short. However, regular breathing practice in which one remains still and relaxed and attending to nothing else does calm both the nerves and the breath. Even people with emphysema will notice a gradual increase in the ability to comfortably slow and lengthen the inhale over time. However, a "normal" regulation of breath will never be possible for such a person.

I now practice breathing to a count of 14; three beats on the inhale, hold (retain) for three, and eight counts for exhaling while pressing the belly to the spine. This is certainly not a breath of classic proportions, but it's an adaptation that might help provide optimal results for those who have smoked habitually over a long period of time, or lived in Bakersfield, or both.

March Participation #1

Cara F.'s All-Levels class in the a.m. on Monday, 3/16/09.

My main objective this morning was to closely monitor the breath and match it appropriately to whatever movement the class was doing. This is important for everyone who practices Viniyoga (or most any kind of yoga), but doubly important for me because my breath is compromised. I don't have much, so I have to watch it.

There were two other guys in class this morning, so I didn't feel like an interloper.

We started as usual by bringing our full attention to the breath while seated, then stood up and began asanas with Tadasana, then a forward bend. My movements were fluid and easy after kind of a stiff first rep, and we had complete running instructions on matching inhale and exhale to the appropriate segments of each pose. Breath came easily. So far so good.

We transitioned into the "chair" pose called Utkatasana. This one requires some fairly serious muscular exertion, and I ran out of breath and started huffing after a couple of reps, stopped, and stood up to catch some wind. Cara moved to the back of the room and discreetly checked to make sure I was all right (which I was), and after a minute or so I was recovered.

I went through the rest of the practice without incident.

It was a thorough class, worked every part of the body, stayed focused on matching breath and movement throughout, and included a balance pose of a type important for people with Parkinson's disorder to practice regularly. I walked out of the studio breathing easily and deeply, caught sight of myself in a floor-to-ceiling window, and noticed that I was postured up, shoulders back, and walking with energy, springing along like some healthy young dude. So I would say "Yoga been good to me."

Through these classes that I observe and participate in, and the reading we do for teacher training, I find myself looking for techniques and resources that might be used one day to help develop an approach for people with COPD who are committed to reversing some of the damage they've done to themselves. Yoga practice is just one element in an overall rehab scheme optimally suited to the needs of such people. Other elements include dietary changes (usually), lots of rest, and avoiding the destructive habits or environmental conditions that cause this disease.

One excellent resource for the kind of asana practice I'm looking for is in Gary Kraftsow's sample routine outlined in "Yoga for Transformation," pages 70-88. Some of the postures in this practice involve staying in position during each repetition of the movement for one full breath cycle longer during each successive rep, encompassing four reps altogether. I find this works better for me than doing the specified movements once for each breath cycle. Another valuable resource is the adaptations of the asanas supplied by AG Mohan's "Yoga for Body, Breath, and Mind," many of them employing a chair and designed for people whose mobility or energy for movement is compromised.

Interruption

This morning my physical therapist gave me four new exercises to treat this shoulder injury that's been getting in the way for a couple months now. Added to the four I was already doing, plus the one for Parkinson's, that's between half an hour and 40 minutes for each session, twice a day.

So I've suspended regular asana practice for the duration. Instead I'll do the shoulder therapy religiously, and work in a short practice routine with a few key postures. Today it was a standing forward bend, the Dvipada Pitham bridges, Navasana (the boat), table top/child's, a lying-down spinal twist, and Apanasana. I got my share of spinal adjustments doing this, and followed up with a full Pranayama, so that should be an adequate survival ration.

Controlled breathing is really difficult, especially the intake. Air gets about halfway down and hits bottom -- no more room. Full exhale is long, and requires effort. Suspension isn't even a possibility.

Clearing the mind of noise and clutter is even harder. But it does happen sometimes. Seems to be dependent on my being able to relax the hips and thighs, then there's this thing looking at me from some distance, only the distance is inside my head. It's like a point of light, or maybe a cluster of points. I don't know what it is. Also, I'm apprehending it from one point on the inside, not stereoptically.

Sahana Vavatu on CD

I've discovered that I own a copy of our welcoming and dedication chant on a commercial compact disc I bought years ago at the old Gateways book store in Santa Cruz.

The CD is Chants of India, and features an ensemble of instrumentalists and singers put together and led by Ravi Shankar. The album was produced by the late George Harrison, former lead guitarist for the Beatles.

Unfortunately, it's out of print. Even though a few copies are available on Amazon, the prices are unrealistic. But maybe we can figure something out.

The chant lasts four and a half minutes. It's a beautiful treatment, with a long instrumental lead-in. The words are chanted three times by one male and one female vocalist.

Shankar is one of only three Indian musicians to have received the Bharat Ratna, India's highest and most prestigious civilian honor. The other two were the Tamil vocalist M.S. Subbulakshmi, who died in 2004, and the master of the shehnai (Indian Oboe) Ustad Bismillah Khan, who died in 2006.

Dave B

Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th. Yikes. Where's Jason? Gotta keep an eye on that boy.

I ate poison on the way home from class last night, but there were no ugly consequences. I can get away with that maybe once a week.

Class is working out better than well. I'm adopting the right attitude toward study. I go at it with a sense of awe. I sometimes get "outside." I respect my teacher.

The biggest problem I had last night during a long and intensely detailed practice was breathing. My inhale is shot, because the emphysema is quite bad. I think I may have given myself a small case of bronchitis too.

It feels like about the bottom two-thirds of my lungs is gone. It's because I can't empty out.

So I'm finding my assignment, and that's to help develop a Viniyoga practice for people with COPD. And that will begin, of course, with my developing a practice for me.

Born Loser

I'm a born loser, baby,
And they call me 'The Ace of Spades;'
I'm a born loser, baby,
And I lose more every day..."

--Version of the 'Roll and Tumble Blues'
Sung by legendary Chicago street singer,
The Ace of Spades

No home practice today. I found out we'll be moving tonight in class. Today's the day for the big trip across the water, and maybe tomorrow, too.

Practice yesterday yielded results. I went to bed very early last night and got a phone call after I'd already fallen into a deep sleep. As I was reaching for the phone from an awkward position, halfway on and halfway off the bed with one foot on the floor, my L5 lumbar spine re-adjusted with a loud pop like I've never heard before.

Felt sooooooo good.

Right. So now I have to give up coffee. It's begun to make my kidneys hurt.

Do I have to give up absolutely everything? I never wanted to be a Holy Man.

I won't even bother with telling myself I'll cut down. I know myself a lot better than that.

This means I'll have to go cold turkey, and just tough it out through the headaches, the ennui, and the depression that follow. At least it won't last all that long.

Is there any vice in God's big world I don't have to give up? Even a small one? If anyone knows, please leave a comment.

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New Routine

I've turned over so many new leaves and made so many fresh starts lately, taken so many vows of "never again" and "this time I really mean it," and seen all this resolve come to naught so many times that I'll spare anyone who might be reading this the drama.

I spoke with Rachel a little while ago concerning the realm of Ananda Maya, that sort of Xanadu of the spirit beyond the realm of the individual's personality, ego, and "I" consciousness. I told her I can't imagine such a place, even though I've been there. And we both feel my only hope lies in getting back there again. You can drive there from here, but you can't take your car. To put it another way, one can find that place, but "I" can't.

It was in this spirit that I scrapped my old asana routine today, as it was past due for revision, having served me well since last August, and decided to take a ready-made straight from the book as the new routine. This is kind of a standard set of Viniyoga poses in a typical Viniyoga sequence, taken from pages 70-88 of Gary Kraftsow's second book, "Yoga for Transformation.

The first section starts with standing poses, which are great for warming up and entail very little risk of injury.

1. Tadasana, or Mountain pose. Up on your toes, back on your heels (now you're doin' the Varsity Drag), moving the arms up and down all the while. As with all these standing postures, inhale to the up, exhale to the down. No problem.

2. Parsvottanasana, an asymmetrical forward bend with one foot at a time placed out front of the other, knee bent on the bendover. Four times each side, holding the down position for one additional breath each time. No problem here.

3. Trikonasana of the Utthita (conventional) kind. Had a lot of trouble with this due to the sore shoulder. Tomorrow I'll substitute Warrior I.

4. Uttanasana -- forward bend with Padahastasana added in the middle. That's a chest lift/back flattener from the far forward postion. Same "stay" instructions as number 2. As with all these standing poses, inhale up, exhale down.

That's the end of standing poses. A couple of supine postures are next after an interlude of:
5. Down Dog: exhaling up to the pose from table top position. A little confusing because the move up is an exhale; the move out, or down, is on the inhale.

6. Dvipada Pitham -- the good old back bend, or bridge with raised pelvis, with an overhead arm sweep, inhaling up, exhaling down.

7. Urdhva Prasrta Padasana -- a long name for a simple supine leg lift. From a supine position with knees bent over chest, raise legs straight up, heels reaching for the sky. Slightly confusing, as one exhales up and inhales to the down, bent-knees position.

I skipped the next two in Gary's sequence. I'm not ready for a headstand yet. I'll try slipping in the shoulder stand at number 8 tomorrow, however. Following these two inversions, from prone position:

9. Bhujangasana arm and chest lifts. Not a good pose for me at all. Tomorrow I'll try a variation using leg and chest lifts with arms static and hands placed beside the chest. The version pictured in the book really hurt my shoulder, and I was confused by the exhale up/inhale down instruction for this one.

Skipped Dhanurasana, or bow pose. Too hard on the injured spinal portion (L5/S1).

10. Apanasana, that really lovely and therapeutic supine posture in which the bent knees are moved alternately closer to and further from the chest, with assistance from the arms. Exhale into the closed postion, inhale into the more open part of the sequence, which is slightly confusing, but I'll get used to it.

11. Pascimatanasana -- seated forward bend. Just like uttanasana, only sitting down. This would be a bit dangerous if done early in the sequence.

12. Matsyendrasana -- a seated spinal twist. I couldn't do the one shown in the book because the instructions were very complicated, so I'll continue doing the one Ellen taught me.

13. Vajrasana -- the pose with 1,000 variations. This version is the core version, or simplest one -- symmetrical arm lifts from the knees, exhaling into a variation of child's pose with the arms behind, hands resting palms up on the sacrum.

14. Good old Savasana: resting, supine with a pillow under the knees to take any pressure off the lumbar curve.

This is a good, thorough routine. I'll spend some time adapting it to my purposes in the next few days.

Conspicuously absent: Cakravakasana.

One more change I need to make: I've been doing pranayama as a prelude to asana. Today the breath was real ragged, and I counted 32 cycles in 10:30, as opposed to the usual 25 to 27. Starting tomorrow, I'll do pranayama at the end, and chanting at the very end.

Godspeed, everyone.

March Observation #1

Observation record of an All-levels class taught at Whole Life by Suzette on Wednesday, March 4, in the a.m.

My main objective for this observation was to closely watch the asana sequence and compare it to the one I observed a month earlier. My secondary objective was to discern the linkage of respiration with movement in and out of postures.

But detailed observation was challenging. I was the only male in the room among 11 students and the teacher, and felt out of place. I didn't want to stare at anybody, as that might be threatening and inappropriate.

Today's class began with a period of attention to the breath, then moved into cakravakasana, combining it with vajrasana after a couple of cycles. Vajrasana is an adaptable pose that seems to have about 10,000 variations. This combination of postures looks to be a Viniyoga staple, and I've seen it repeated both early and late in any given practice session.

It's easy to see abdominal breathing coordinated with arm lifts during vajrasana; all but impossible to see anything but slight movement of the exhaling back during child's pose/tabletop.

Deb's class also had cakravakasana early in the sequence, but combined it with leg and arm lifts performed from tabletop I haven't seen in Viniyoga classes before or since.

After a down dog/up dog alternation, Suzette led the group through a sequence of arm and leg lifts whose core was bhujangasana (I think). This mirrored the sequence I saw a month earlier, and in both cases the teachers pointedly reminded students to keep attending to their breath during this series of moves, which requires no small expenditure of muscular concentration. Suzanne did so by saying "Listen to your breath, and try not to let it get ragged."

Good advice. I've caught myself trying to go too fast and gasping during bhujangasana more than once.

Then came the standing poses, tadasana and the standard forward bend, then warrior I, with the class inhaling into the arm lift and chest pop and exhaling into a relaxed self-hug I hadn't seen before. The coordination of breathing with movement in this latter pose was very easy to see from both front and back.

Every Viniyoga class I've observed or participated in seems to start with simple and easy movement, then slowly build to a sort of crescendo, which for this session was reached with Trikonasana of the Parvrtti kind. That transitioned into a low back stretch I've only seen before in non-Viniyoga classes, a forward bend with feet spread.

Then came a period of decrescendo as the session moved toward closing, with an on-the-back sequence consisting of knees to chest, then jatthara Parvrtti (during which I not only saw, but heard students breathing in and out of the open/closed position of the pose), dvipada pitham bridges, supta badha konasana spreadeagle, in this session incorporating a novel series of slow leg closures and openings closely coordinated with the breath, apanasana, and savasana, supported by bolsters which the students used to prop up their lumbar arches.

What I'm seeing is that there seems to be a basic, fundamental Viniyoga sequence incorporating half a dozen postures arranged in a specific order that all the teachers use as a point of departure, along with a disciplined approach to coordinating breath and movement.

Medicine and Therapy

All-day marathon class at the yoga studio yesterday. It ended with some really nice movement. This was Viniyoga at its best, gentle stretching coordinated with the pace of each individual's controlled respiration.

From each according to ability; to each according to need, and always with attention to the breathing.

The way I recovered from alcoholism was by temporarily placing control of my life in the hands of other people, and allowing myself to be converted to a formula for living laid out in a book, one with spiritual overtones. The way I recovered from inflammatory bowel disease was by learning to regard all food as either medicine or poison.

The way I'll recover from the current crisis is by combining those two approaches. I'll turn control of my life over to other people, although they may not be aware of it. I'll immerse myself in the written version of the ancient philosophy of liberation and mindfulness. From now on, breathing is not just a necessary activity; it's my most essential therapy.

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Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

Let's see, did I practice on Wednesday? I don't think so. I had to go to the physical therapist really early, then later on to an appointment with the attorney to draw up my will. So I skipped that day.

Had a great practice yesterday, though. Breathing is truly a great new experience, but only possible when I'm behaving myself. Yesterday, I was; today I'm not. So it goes, as Vonnegut used to say.

I want to learn. I want to overcome my weaknesses and move on. It's so hard.

We can only learn from those who know more than we do, who are stronger than we are. Why do we have to be so weak and stupid?

Today I have homework to do -- reading and coloring in my anatomy books. That's how I'll spend the rest of the day, except for a brief blogpost at "Catboxx" which I'll cannibalize from BNet.

No BNet today, other than that. It'll be good for me. Tomorrow is all-day class in Seattle. That will keep me behaving.

I really need to be in an institutional environment where somebody else has charge of my behavior. I need to relinquish control of myself to some form of authority. I'm beginning to think it's my only hope.

Misfire

I began a practice this morning and realized I was in no condition to do so.

I'll spend the day trying to recover from yesterday's mini-meltdown.

Between attempting (unsuccessfully so far) to quit smoking, trying to get a handle on health problems, and bouncing around between depressed anxiety and manic confidence, I'm beginning to feel like I don't have a handle on anything.

There's nothing to do but calm down and try again tomorrow.

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PET Scan

No practice this morning, as I had to prepare early for another scan that filled me full of radioactivity. It was a time-consuming procedure and it pretty much disrupted the whole day.

For this one they injected a radioactive tracer into my bloodstream beforehand. I don't know what the purpose of that is. All I know is that I'm getting tired of this endless round of "absolutely essential" tests and procedures.

We'll see how absolutely essential all this stuff is after I lose my comprehensive insurance in July, when I turn 65.

The worse problem is that I'm losing my grip. Half the time I don't know what I'm doing. I'm disoriented, and can't find a center of gravity.

Tomorrow's project: get a handle on this mess.

Nearly Hit

It was a disrupted breathing sequence I started the morning with, first disturbed by coughing -- a couple of extended spasms -- and secondly interrupted by intrusive thoughts, specifically angry and perplexed political thoughts.

I'm inclined to abstain from politics if it's going to do that to me. Too bad. I've always loved history and politics, except when one or the other or both starts looking less like it's composed of human activity and more like the snarling of mad dogs.

Ended up with a pretty good pranayama in spite. It was inerrupted, but I always went back to attending to my breathing.

Asana was good. The shoulder's better. Did a full on Matsyendrasana spinal twist with no problem. Trikonasana still hurts, as does Warrior I, but it's getting better.

I'm also doing the physical therapy exercises Michael showed me, and that shoulder is slowly healing.

I need to stay in my own body for a while, and stop worrying about the Communist Plot, lest I become like General Jack D. Ripper, who famously said, "I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids."